unfortunately It's Quit...

unfortunately it's quite complicated and highly unlikely.

15 years ago i would have an abnormal annual fem exam.  it would be 3 yrs of clean paps.  on the 4th yr, at the ripe old age of 20 (when i had my midlife crisis because i was no longer a teenager and had to be responsible - as if i was ever irresponsible! HA!) that i'd have yet another abnormal exam.  this one was so OFF that the doctor literally called the surgeon from the exam room while i was still on the table.  3 days later i would be in surgery.  turns out i had a small bout of fem cancer in my nether region.  at the time of surgery i was told this would decrease my odds of carrying a child fullterm by 50% due to the removal of a large portion of my cervix (this supports the weight of the baby) and that with each passing year it would become less likely to carry a child fullterm.

when i had the initial abnormal exam at age 16 i thought i'd resolved myself to, "if it happens, it does.  if it doesn't, it doesn't.  and i'm okay with this."  how naive we are at 16 and even at 20 when again i recited this to myself.  it had become a motto of sorts for all facets of my life - kind of a, "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" type mantra.

fastforward nearly 8 years: a divorce (he impregnated his mistress), a low time in life, a renewal of mind and spirit, another low time thanks to another awful man (this one was a special breed with a propensity to control and abuse - my first brush with this type as well as my first ALL ON heartbreak), worked hard, climbed the corporate ladder, achieved my desired position since i was a child, realized it was NOT for me at all, continued to bang away at it because i have natural talent and made good money with it even though i was growing more and more despondent with the position, was beginning yet another renewal of mind and spirit then, BLAM!

3 days prior to my 28th birthday i would take a bad fall resulting in a virtual 'broken' knee.  there were no tendons or ligaments left within the structure nor was there any cartilage left.  what was supposed to be a maximum of 9 mo recovery ended up being an incurable, 100% disability.

nearly 3 months after the initial injury i would be diagnosed with a neurological disorder brought on by the joint trauma.  it's incurable.  it's excruciating.  it requires me to be medicated on a daily basis.  i would endure a total of 42 surgeries in a 7 month period of 2004.  this disorder is not lethal, although 88% of it's victims commit suicide to escape it's jaws of pain.

i have since been advised by the specialist that it would not be of benefit for me to be or become pregnant as i would have to discontinue the medications which in turn could and most likely would cause the symptoms to increase beyond tolerable (as if they aren't already intolerable!) 

multiply by the 11 years of decreasing ability to carry to full term since fem surgery.

now divide that by my immensely decreased physical ability to care for a child (hold it, carry it, care for it in general, etc.)

now to that sum add the facts that i am in a serious relationship with a divorcee who has 3 daughters with his exwife and whom of which has had a vasectomy.  i get the honor of watching him (i might have a small hand in it, however, they DO live with their mother) raise his girls. 

in addition to that, my little brother (4 yrs younger than myself) and his YOUNG wife are having their first child this week!  despite my joy for them ... it's hard.

and to that sum add the distinct priveledge i will have when my significant other's sister and her new husband begin to expand their family with babies.  they BRAG a LOT!  i will be happy for them as well but i already know it will feel as if they are rubbing my nose in it.  it won't be the first or last time - the new husband, for whatever reason, is quite competitive with me.  i don't get it and i'm not going to spend much time on it - it's not worth my time to analyze really.  as it is their problem.

now compound that total by the fact that in recent months i've really begun to feel the 'mommy urge' ...  i am 31 as of 2/07 and it's just been in recent months i've felt this pang ... not that of hunger for food but that of hunger and desire to be a MOM ...

what answer did you come up with?

if your grand total came out to:  not bloody likely for 'm' to have a child, you would be correct.

how does one deal with this?

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
4 Responses May 24, 2007

You deal by having as much quality of life as you can in each moment. <br />
I'm 39, have fibromyalgia and have only 1 ovary after the removal of an 11 lb female tumor in 2005. I was with a guy who had kids and wasn’t honest that he didn’t want more before I met my wonderful hubbie (who has 3 kids from a previous marriage) and wants to have a child with me. <br />
<br />
I had a planned pregnancy with my then fiance, now hubbie last fall. In April, at 22wks 5 days we lost the baby. We did labor and delivery and the whole birthing thing. We had been told in advance that she was too sick to live. She made it two hours. Since then we have been trying to get pregnant again... not yet. I want a baby more than most people can understand. <br />
<br />
I don’t know what your disease is, and certainly haven’t had the number of surgeries you have... but I know this. LIVE WELL, or as well as you can. Steal whatever little moments of joy that you can. Seek them out. Write about them and re-read them on the hard days. <br />
<br />
I still don't know if we will get to have a child-by-birth of our own to raise. There are no guarantees. But I try to eat healthy whole foods, take walks and stretch and meditate and remember to be thankful for even really small things. <br />
<br />
On another note, have you delved into acupuncture and or chiropractic at all? What about a TENS unit? (Transcutaneous Nerve Stimulation) It interrupts the pain message between the pain site and your brain. What about herbs? Valarian root capsules helps me with my nerve pain. Also with Fibromyalgia I take magnesium and Musinex when the pain gets bad (to clear out the acid in the connective tissue). Also I feel better physically and mentally when I avoid starches, sugars and preservatives. Maybe there is something alternative that would help you?? I wouldn’t say try to do herbs yourself, consult a good herbalist if you are game. I have used a combo of all of these, and though I am not “well” I have more good days. It has been worth it for me. You are here for a reason. Find it...and do all you can to full-fill your purpose. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

and i was GREAT with being an auntie until this ... i recalled how important my favorite aunt and uncle were in my life, how much i loved them and they me and had decided i was fine with that role. now i'm not sure i get to even play that much. i might just be some distant stranger they once knew... there's no telling how this will turn out but i hope it gets settled soon because i can't take much more of this!

my neice was born approx 4 weeks ago. as sick as i was with the gall bladder i was unable to attend. they promised they'd bring her here when my bro got some time off work and after adjusting the child to a schedule ... i laughed silently - HEHAHEHAAAHA! we all know children adjust US! anyway - they live out of state and i got the call lastnight that they'd be in town in an hour and to meet them at mom's. i met them over there to meet my new neice, having resolved myself to her being my special neice (the only child they will have) and really wanting to be a part of her life. i sat there for 2 hours. i asked several times and was denied each time ... i just wanted to hold her. i'm fantastic with kids of all ages and sizes - always have been! i finally became very upset, not outwardly, and excused myself and went home after realizing my SIL was not going to share her daughter with me in any way. i wasn't so much as even allowed to touch the child! i was treated as if i had some fatal and contagious disease. i've never felt so rejected in all my life. and because i'm unable to have my own, it stung that much more. not to mention this girl (SIL) has never treated me so weird and i've never been so confused by someone's actions, inactions, etc. i'm puzzled. my mother called to check on me today ... i didn't know but she was very angry how my SIL treated me lastnight and it turns out that not even gramma (my mom) was allowed to touch the baby! it's very peculiar and extremely hurtful. hopefully it will get resolved soon. i'd hate to miss out on precious hugs from my neice because she was never allowed to know me. but then i also fear for my lil bro cuz he was only allowed to hold her for 5 mins in those 2-3 'look but don't touch' exhibit hours and his wife told him how wrong he did it. ... let it be post partum and not some crazy adopted or learned attitude of her overbearing mother she's always griped about profusely. oh please!

wow my friend what CAN anybody say to that??? i would like to say that i feel your pain, but thats impossible. it would be sooo hard for me to be happy when everywhere you look there's babies. when i was in my early 20's i knew i had to have kids, i would've stopped at nothing to have them... you are such a wonderful person, and you've helped me personally sso much, you would make a fabulous mom. silly suggestions, but its all i got, how about trying to be more involved in your step kids lives. have you considered adoption??? i know that can take years and its not the same as having your own child... with the pain you unfortunately suffer, maybe thats not possible either.. my arms are wrapped around you with a big hug..........