Am I A Monster?

My wife ran away from me because I am transgendered. She fled from me like she would have fled from some leprous disesae. In her eyes I am a monster. She ran away from the boogy man (or woman, as is the case).

Look at a child with some horrible congenital deformity, like the one below. Now, do an exercise that all of us who have been Christians have tried to do. Look into her hideous eyes, and tell her that there is a good, gracious God in charge of the universe that loves her and cares for her. Look at her, and mock her with those cold, heartless words. Look at her, and preach to her about her lack of faith when she shakes her grotesque face, with huge tears rolling down her appalling cheeks. Dare to tell her that there is a God that loves her just as much as you! Dare to tell her that she is wrong to question the love of a God that would have put molded for her such an unfortunate body. Go ahead and tear open your sacred book, telling her she is "fearfully and wonderfully made." I dare you! Do it! Take it on faith that she is wicked for not having faith in your God!



But, when she has trouble understanding you, when she can't seem to grasp your what you mean, then perhaps you'll be able to see that, while your God fits neatly into your world, there is no way it can fit into hers.


So, now, you are left with two choices, as I see it. "Only two choices on the shelf," as I was taught in those days when I was taught that I did not exist. You can choose to believe in your God, in your sacred text. That's fine. But, then these poor children cannot exist. Reality contradicts faith, and reality is booted. For years, that is the choice I picked. And, she was there, inside me, suffering horribly. The other choice, when faith and reality contradict each other, is that faith dies and is born anew, conforming itself to realty rather than to theological theory.


These children, and many like them, exist. They are unintentional victims of Agent Orange. Yet, they are hidden from view. We are shielded from their existence. The only way we can go on believing and trusting in our faulty, incomplete concepts of how the world should be is by ignoring those who do not fit into that worldview. I do not fit into that worldview. I am thus condemned and marginalized. I am called a wicked sinner with a lack of faith in the truth. Yet, I exist. I contradict this "truth" to which I am expected to succumb. Because I exist and I do not fit into the neat hypostasis of Western faith, I must suffer for existing. How horrible to look at the face in that picture! But, please, my deformity is just as real, though it is shrouded in the unfathomable complexities of my neural framework. To accept that I exist is something you have to take by faith. Take it by faith, then, as you take by faith that there is a God you can define, predict, and please. And, no amount of well intentioned religious preaching can make me disappears. No amount of hiding children like the one in the picture can make them disappear.

But, am I a monster? Is this poor child a monster?

keres keres
31-35, M
2 Responses May 23, 2012

No, you are just very confused. You are using a standard argument -- "evil exists in this world, therefore, no God." It's certainly a very meretricious conclusion, the reality is much more complex.

Meretricious? Ouch!

At any rate, I would be curious to learn more about the complexities of reality that you mentioned.

BTW: I'm not an atheist. But, clearly, my concept of the transcendental creative force in the universe finds a different expression than that seen in most monotheistic religions.

Hey, that's the first time that I found a proper use for this adjective :)
If this concept is satanism, then just make sure you know all the consequences that this "transcendental creative force in the universe" might bring upon you and be ready for that. Because when it happens, it won't be fun. But you know that already.

The etymology of "meretricious" is actually fascinating. It is from the Latin word "meretrix," which means "prostitute" in English. Actually, a valid definition for the word is, indeed, "pertaining to or characteristic of a prostitute." In a sentence, that would be, like, a meretricious outfit, for example. So, while the most common sense of the word is "flashy but false," the secondary meaning makes it a particularly deft aspersion. And, like you, I would be very disappointed if I found out, after all this, that it was Satan that created me. That would really ruin my day. All the best! - Emily

Neither you or the child are a monster! Those who have eyes but cannot see and ears but cannot hear, are the true monsters! You are not alone hon!!!