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I Love You Mommy

My mother, Catherine Nichole Marks, died of cancer when I was eleven years old. In a hospital. Alone. 
Are you sure you want to see her?
Yes I’m sure. I need to. 
She’s not going to be the same as you remember her
But she is my mom and I miss her. I need to tell her how much I love her.
Fine. But you need to realize she will not be the same
I don’t care she will know it’s me I know she will.
I knew it was a bad decision to visit my mother when I first made it but I had to go through with it. She was my mother. She was always there for me how could I not be there for her.
It was dark. Isn’t that how all these memories start? In the dark? He came into the room not realizing that I was sleeping with mom tonight. My nightmares had been especially bad. 
What is he doing in here?
Honey he had a bad dream can’t he sleep in here this one time.
NO! I just got out of work and I want to sleep without your little brat drooling on me.
What if I sleep in his room with him? Would you mind?
Yes I mind. It’s just an excuse not to sleep with me tonight and I know it.
No it isn’t he… *SMACK*
Talk back to me one more time I dare you. 
But… *SMACK*
DON’T SAY ANYTHING! *SMACK*
I walk into the hospital knees dripping into my shoes. I have always hated the smell of hospitals. The smell of death hidden and repackaged as health covered in generic Pine Sol. 
My head hits the wall and I’m confused for a moment. What just happened? Last I remembered I was watching Barney. How did I get on the floor?
Dazed I look up.
He is standing above me angry, drunk, and without an alternative punching bag. What could I do but try to run?
Get back here.
You are hurting me!
No I’m just playing. Get back here!
NO!
What did you say?
I’m nervous. The information desk reaches to my forehead and I can barely see over it to make out the woman’s expression when we said the name
Catherine Marks?
Room 452.
She didn’t even glance up. There was no expression on her face as she said it. Sometimes I wonder if she knew what was about to happen. She must have seen it many times before. I almost feel bad like maybe someone should give her a hug. She seems drained of them like she couldn’t give anymore. The hug gauge on her soul reads empty.
We walk towards the elevator and wait for it to decide that it wants to carry some poor soul’s relatives up to them. It doesn’t want to hurt the family but it has to do its job.
I’m sorry dad I didn’t mean to.
How am I supposed to pay for all the dirt that you waste when you spill it all over the place.
It was too heavy it won’t happen again.
Well keep working.
When’s dinner.
Dinner is over. Keep working.
But I haven’t eaten since I got up this morning.
We need to finish this pile by tomorrow. Brownie is coming tomorrow with mulch for the roundabout driveway.
Where did we get the money for this. I thought we had to cut back costs because you lost your job.
DO YOU DOUBT MY ABILITY TO PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY?
No… I… we .
Say it honey you know you are allowed to speak your mind in this house without being scolded.
But…
It’s ok say it.
Well I was hoping to go on a working field trip for school.
No we don’t have the money for it.
But this effects my grade.
It’s not like you are passing your classes anyway why bother.
I need this dad I’m trying to get my grades up I really am but this is a big part of my grade and you have made me miss a lot of days in school to work in the yard .I need this to pass.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON’T WANT TO HELP THE FAMILY?
No it’s just…
Go ahead honey say it.
It’s just that you always tell me that I need to get my grades up and then you make me stay home from school and miss everything.
So you don’t want to help your family.
That’s not what I’m saying. I just need to go to school so I could get my grades up.
You can make up all the work on the weekend.
But I’m… nevermind.
Ok then. Get back to work.
Yes dad.
The elevator helps me up like nobody else besides the woman who used to help me up after beatings. The woman who won’t be able to help me much longer.
Dad what is she like now.
She’s different you will see.
But…
You will see. Leave it be for now.
But…
Leave it!
As we get off the elevator my stomach goes back down with it. I hate hospitals and their artificial emotions. When those false grins falter and turn to pity you know something is wrong.
Room 452. Are you sure you want to do this.
Yes dad I need to.
Fine you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Hey Uncle Dave I missed you!
I missed you too bud and guess what I have a surprise for you.
What is it?
Come see.
He takes me into his dining room and there sits a brand new stereo with a CD and cassette player.
Is this mine?
It is now bud. It’s all yours.
MOM!
What is it honey?
Look what Uncle Dave got me!
Wow honey that’s great! What do you say?
Thank you Uncle Dave!
You are welcome bud.
Well Dave I have to go to work. I’ll pick him up at 8:00 ok?
That’s fine we will be here. We might take him out to lunch today though.
That’s sounds great. Have fun honey.
I will mom!
I love you.
I love you mommy.
The door closes on its own behind her and Dave locks it.
Well we have the entire day to ourselves. What do you feel like doing?
Can I watch TV? Our cable was shut off again.
That’s fine bud. I will be in the kitchen for a few minutes.
Ok thank you Uncle Dave.
I go and sit in the living room and started watching MTV when my uncle comes in with a beer in his hand.
Here drink this.
But mommy says that stuff is bad.
It’s not bad. It’s a man’s drink. Don’t you want to be a man?
Yes but…
DRINK IT!
No!
Dave pushes me down and forces it down my throat. I’m coughing and choking and I’m starting to feel funny when I feel something pulling at my pants.
What are you doing uncle?
Showing you how to be a man. Be quiet!
But I don’t want to be a man.
You have to be a man or nobody will love you.
But… 
Don’t you want people to love you.
Yes but…
By this time I no longer owned my pants.
Ow! That hurts! Stop it!
At that point my mom came in the house having forgotten her wallet.
WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON!
Oh.
My mom comes over and picks me up grabs my pants and runs out of the house.
IF YOU EVER TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS I’LL KILL YOU!
Good luck you might as well be dead you rapist!
My mom puts me in the car hugs me and floods me with kisses.
Are you ok honey?
It hurts.
I know. I know. It will.
Do you love me mom. Even though I’m not a real man?
When I walk in my mother’s room the first thing I see is that the television is on but she isn’t paying any attention to it. She is just laying there in a conscious comatose state. 
Mom?
Rgh
Mom?
Tears are welling up.
She doesn’t recognize me?
No she is full of pain killers. She isn’t going to last long so they just made her as comfortable as possible.
She doesn’t recognize me?
No.
I lean over my mommy’s hospital bed and hugged her.
I love you mom. I’m going to miss you.
The telephone rings and my dad picks up.
Hello?...ok thank you for the news…it’s not your fault…thank you...goodbye.
What is it?
Mom died a few minutes ago.
Oh.
She died a painless death.
I know but the last time I saw her she didn’t recognize me.
My mother, Catherine Nichole Marks died of cancer when I was eleven years old. In a hospital. Alone. 
NothingHurt NothingHurt 18-21, M Jun 14, 2012

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