Where Do I Begin.?

My husband always complains about how he "knows for a fact" that I will someday leave him. In his eyes I am not the perfect wife even tho lately I have been going out of my way to please him. For example, I hate my body and I have recently purchased sexy little outfits for him and dressed up and even did a photo shoot for him. (He was the camera man) and I was extremely uncomfortable with it but I did it anyway to make him happy. I have sex with him when he wants it and when he asks for something, I jump to do it. I dont think he realizes everything I do for him. Dont get me wrong, he is a good man and he does try but I really dont trust him like I used to. When we met, within three days he kissed me and within a week I found myself in love. We got married and had a baby in 2011 and since then I honestly feel like he is not that into me anymore. After we got married I found out he cheated on me (more than once). It hurt me more than anything and Im trying not to cry even to this day thinking about him even thinking of touching anyone else. I know Im not perfect either tho. I mean we were struggling so I performed oral on a random guy I met on craigslist for $100 but even then he knew and supported me for that. I have never touched nor thought about touching anyone else since then. As of late, I have been getting accused of cheating with my god-brother. We do have a close relationship but I have never been interested in him that way. Instead of coming to me, my husband told someone that I felt was someone he still has feelings for in some kind of way that I was cheating and he would kill me. After an arguement about the subject my husband literally stabbed the bed...I was afraid to sleep and sometimes now after an arguement I still am. I hate being in a relationship where I am unhappy and afraid to say something.I dont even like going out with friends anymore just because he texts me every ten minutes asking when I will be home. He has become more possesive than anything since we got to my hometown. Even tho I have told him a billion times that I am not going anywhere. I hate that it feels like Im in one of those "me or no one" type relationships. I hate not being able to trust my husband but I just cant seem to shake what he did to me. I honestly dont even know who he is. Almost everything he told me about his past was a lie and now I feel like I'm living with a stranger. I can never tell him how I feel because I dont want to make him feel bad. I really do love him but I dont think he believes me when I say it. I feel like him cheating on me as many times as he did (who knows if there were more times) is why he feels like I did or am (which Im not) I feel like he feels guilty and feels like I need to get back at him someway. Im not that kind of person tho. Im not trying to make it seem like I am an angel because im not. I have anger issues and sometimes I cant control them and I am very defensive. I hate being accused of things when I am innocent. I am starting to feel like I got married too young and that he proposed just because I was 2months preg at the time. Some days I want to talk to him about seperation or divorce even tho I know I will never leave him just to scare him into acting right. I dont know what to do anymore. Everyone but my husband can see how much I love him and how far in love I am with him. I just dont feel like he loves me the same.........
deleted deleted
26-30
Jan 18, 2013