Blue Moon High

I just started writing this and I have not gotten far. I just want opinions and judging of how good it is. I literally have only spent 45 min on it and still planning. Please comment and tell me if it sux or is amazing! Thank you very much!

Chapter 1
Sorrowful Remembrance
I gazed down at my mothers lichen covered grave. Its been about four years now since I have seen her...Four years since I have heard her beautiful voice. I forced back some tears.
"I miss you mom." I whispered as I rested the decorated bouquet of flowers on the still raised soil.
My name is Luna, Luna Nightgale. I am 17 years old, have deep violet eyes, black hair (with Highlights of a dark blue). I am not like most kids though.. I am a vampyre. Not like the fake **** the media puts out there though.
The truth is vampyres don't need blood every single day and can be in sunlight for quite a while. Right now its two in the afternoon and I am wearing a sleeveless tank top, a ripped black and red skirt, and wearing my favorite Black and Purple DC Shoes. For lunch I have a Meatball Marinara sub from Subway and a White Chocolate Mocha from a local Starbucks. Does any of that sound like what the the media makes us sound like?
"Luna. Its time to go." I whirled around to see my boyfriend Drake standing over a chipped headstone.
Drake and I met when my dad was beating me in an alley.I was Just about to lose consciousnesses when I heard a crack. After that everything went black.

This Is NOT the full first chapter as said before. This is what I am going to continue If I get likes and comments. Please leave opinion too!
Tatteredheart Tatteredheart
18-21, M
4 Responses May 14, 2012

I Want More!!!!!

Okay! Sounds Good! Love Ya Sis

Love You 2!

Hnn. It's good :D Hey though, you'll lose your readers in large blocks of desc<x>ription like that. Instead of saying: "hi, my name is ___, i look like ____," let it create itself... so don't necessarily say "my name is luna" let your readers learn your character's name for the first time when the boyfriend speaks it. You don't describe too much, you just need to work it in more naturally. If used right, it can really create the scene well and add depth to your characters. Ex: As I knelt down to place the decorated bouquet on her grave, my dark hair tickled my bare shoulders, exposing the blue highlights... my hair felt soft and cold... the way hers used to when she gave me warm hugs after hard days of school. (End) You can obviously continue from there, but see where I'm going? You know now that she has dark hair with blue highlights, that she's wearing some sort of tank top, and she obviously misses her mom a ton. I didn't come right out and say any of it, so it doesn't feel as hard or bulky to read.<br />
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Also, It was hard to catch her blacking out at the end. Maybe build up to it a little with the tone? Or was she talking about how she met Drake? You have a good start though! I'm interested to see where it'll go :D I love the character's voice. You're writing from a girl's point of view? That must be hard. I'm inspired. I'll try writing as a guy sometime :D

Thank you so much! Yeah when I get writers block I tend to add way more description. I will make some changes so there will be a delay when I post the rest of this. And actually I have always wrote stories from a girls point of view so it kinda come naturally :). Thank you sista Love you!

the description is good :D just put it there with a purpose of moving the story along :)

I like it! I would suggest not putting in too much desc<x>ription so fast, but I would love to read more.

Aha I Have Been Told I Describe Waaay To Much. Thank you :) *hugs*

More please!! :DD

Thank you!