I Wonder...


I wonder if it would have changed the way you lived your life, had you had known how it would end?  Would you still have been that cool kid who was always so nice to everyone, or would you have become bitter?   

 Would you still have proposed to your fiancée, or would you have not even bothered?  Would you have still maintained a 4.0 in your Graduate Degree?   What would it have changed had someone told you that on Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 6:00pm you would fall from a drastic decrease in your blood pressure and immediately fall into a cancer-caused coma that would eventually take your life that very same night?  

You were only 19 years old...barely 19.  What a tragedy. I know now, that the world is filled with them and that everything in this life ends in tragedy, but I hoped that it would be when you were old and had taken all you could from this world.   It upsets me to think of you in a coffin.  It upsets me that no one will ever be able to receive another phone call or birthday card from you, just because you thought they needed some encouragement.  Who is encouraging you now? Where are you now? Have you gone anywhere, or was this all there was for you?  

If you believe as the Buddhists believe, then I think you'll move on to Nirvana. I couldn't think of a more deserving person.  

I feel a bit guilty now.  When I was 19, I was getting high and drunk and acting like a complete idiot. Yet, you were just fighting for one more day.    I wonder if you'll hear these thoughts.  I wonder if your mother will be comforted by your spirit visiting her from time to time.   I'm sorry that this happened to you.  I wish I could reverse it and give you a long healthy life.   

It is so cliché "Rest in Peace" could any of us really do that? You left so much uncompleted when you passed. You left a beautiful fiancée that just worshiped you and a Masters degree in psychology that you sacrificed so much time for.  Are you at peace, Chris?  Are you angry?  I would be. That's probably because I'm a lesser person than you are.  

Wherever you are, we miss you. I hope that you found Nirvana. It is doubtful that I will meet you there.

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1 Response Mar 5, 2009

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. It always feels so tragic when a very young one departs from this world... but I choose to believe they've gone on to a much better place. Sending hugs your way.