From Rock Bottom

I'm twenty-six years old and I feel like a loser; however, I have the tendency to ignore most of my successes in life.
I didn't have any choice about my past. Although I may be trying to place blame outside of myself. I blame my father for my abusive marriage and trying to raise his children when he abanoded us-I raised my 16 year old brother for two years when I was 20. My understanding is the brain doesn't develop untill all the way at 23-when I left my ex-husband. I understand blame isn't a healthy place to stay and at the same time I feel knowing that I really did the best I could and I have spent hours in therapy learning how not to repeat the past-something I wish my father would have done,
I think rock bottom was being stranded in Florida. My ex-husband was angry and left me there with no money for rent or anything. I slept with him when I didn't want to in order to get things like food and money otherwise he would get angry. I remember walking up to a girl with a black eye at a cafe. I asked her what happened and her boyfriend almost killed her. I empathized with her and we bonded quickly; however, she actually saved me. My ex-husband was technically physically abusive, but because he never punched me I didn't know how wrong and abusive his behavior was-especially being comfortable because I knew nothing better. So she took me to a DV support groupand their I learned the reality of my life and the reality of my then husband.
I'm really angry that no one brought it to my attention. I was Cathlioc then and didn't believe in divorce and my therpist (now fired) never warned me how bad it was. We went to three marriage therapist and NOT ONE brought anything to my attention. told everyone and no one said anything. I understand that people don't want to give advice and someone still could have at least passivlely left a power and control wheel on my desk....SOMETHING. I was begging for help.
Now I have learned almost EVERYTHING to keep me safe and was diagnosed as having aspergers(which made me more vulnerable to stalking and abuse)
So I guess I'm doing better, wait I know I'm doing better! I've learned how to be independent, so much so I don't no if I ever want to date again. I wonder if I would be trading that energy for something more productive or if I'm hiding from intamcy. I'm afraid of being alone for ever, but I know I can't let that fear make my decisions.
I guess this me writing a letter that the past is the past. I know it's a miracle that I didn't have kids while I was married and I will never unknowling being a target again. I'm smart and I'm strong. I hope the worst part of my life is behind me and I want to be a better persons.
This year.....
I stayed out of abusive relaionships.
I paid off $10,000 debt from my former marriage
I learned how to set and achieve goals
I quit smoking and lost my " quit smoking weight."
My aspberger traits are almost inrecognizable unless I bring it up
I potty trained my dog
I concreted my knowledge out boundaires, healthy relationships, emotions
I kicked my father out my life after two abuse incidents. (I'm still torn up)


Dawn913 Dawn913
26-30, F
Dec 1, 2012