But I Feel As If I Never Will Be.

I love my girlfriend. I don't know when I fell in love with her, but when I realized it, my life became something so much more than something to do until death. I live for her and want to do whatever would make her happy. I know what she wants me to be, but I can't change who I am and that makes me cry. She tells me she imagines me as having certain occupations, but half of the things she mentioned, I wouldn't enjoy. It feels as if she's trying to mold me into her perfect man, but I'm not perfect.

She's in love with me and I constantly try to better myself, but I wonder if its healthy to keep up with her likes. When you love someone, you adopt their likes and you find common interests or else make some. I understand that she loves me, but she doesn't like to take long walks, to hike; she doesn't like comic books or classic films. She's trying and I appreciate it. But what common interests we lack, our personalites are compatible in that opposites attract: she's sociable, bubbly, and uninhibited; I'm reserved, shy, and a man of few words; she loves to laugh and I can be really funny (its what initially attracted her to me). But I fear the things that she saw in me will not be enough. I don't have many friends and often have trouble making new ones; she has a great deal of friends and never misses and opportunity to make another one. I have my passions, but they're more in tune with the quirky and the noir; her passions are more of the light and things most people would love. She was raised having been given so she she would never want; I was born poor and learned sacrifice younger than most.

Somedays I feel like I'm losing my mind and I wonder if she'd stay by my side when I can't control the thoughts; when I'm not funny anymore; when I may be terrifying. Some days I don't tell her what's on my mind because she doesn't understand. She says she wants to, but she hasn't led the life I have lived, being bullied constantly, being ridiculed, being treated like a creep, and being hated. She's lost few friends in her life and I have lost many; I can't keep them like she does nor can I make them like she does.

I love her, but I wonder if I am right for her. She's a person of great love and joy for life; she's of the light. I fight to balance my true personality with the painful past that changed me; I'm not a good person, or at least not in the traditional sense. Am I right for her? She's in love with me and even when I hurt her, she stood by me and waited for me. I can't give that up, but still I wonder if she really wants me or the person she thinks I can be.
LeoRojas690 LeoRojas690
18-21, M
3 Responses Aug 12, 2010

Who you are is enough... And it's the perfect fit for somebody out there :P

I too wonder If I will be enough to keep my boyfriend. He is socially amazing and has many friends who are really nice people. His family is happy and lovely. I am quiet and only have a few close friends. My family situation is embarrassing, my dad doesn't want to meet him because of the past partners I've had. I love him with all my heart and just want him to be happy.

I am so sorry you have been treated so horribly in life i.e. the bullying and ridiculing. I used to have this habit of believing that if someone found a flaw in me, then it must be true - and I would hate myself for whatever that flaw was. Now, I find that even perceived flaws are mostly subjective, and I don't have to buy in to anyone's view or version of who I am. That's because I know who I am - I am a good person with a good heart, and I stay true to my own identity. I don't mean to sound like I am blathering on about myself, but I have read your other stories, too, and there was a time when I struggled in a similar way wondering what people were saying when I wasn't in the room and feeling wounded when I was criticized for the slightest little thing. I get it, you know? This may be a corny quote, but I find that it has much wisdom by Eleanor Roosevelt that goes along the lines of, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I think it's true. We choose how we react to a situation, and no one can make us feel anything unless we allow them to. Granted, there are always triggering factors, I mean, if you punch me in the face I could laugh, cry, or get really angry. The trigger is you punching me, but how I react (and to what degree) is on me. You sound like an awesome person to know, who has a lot to overcome yet. I don't know if things will work out in your relationship and I hope all the best for you. I also hope you learn to recognize your own value and worth in your current relationship, too. All the best!!