Here We Go Again

I feel on edge today, I have done since I awoke. I feel like crying at the moment and because I cannot cry my emotions tend to explode in anger. I have meditated already and will do more throughout the day so hopefully I can keep the anger at bay or transform it into something beneficial.

I've been suffering from nervousness for some time now. It is a big tree with deep roots. I want to be free from this pain. I know it is due to how I perceive the world - hostile or benevolent - based on my life experiences. I get trapped in this perception and so repeat or create similar circumstances as I go on through life.

I really would like to change how I am and that requires a lot of work, discipline, focus, understanding (of what needs to be done), practice in new ways of thinking and behaviour and so on. Without the tiny steps everything will remain the same. Writing helps to reaffirm what is happening, it can be a sort of instant catharsis as well. But I have to discipline myself (in a loving way "this is for my own good") to constantly work towards a deep change in myself. It may start at the surface, but it has to go deep or the roots will never be uplanted.