Maybe One Day....

I wish I could go back in time, to when I was 8 years old.  That's the last time that I was truly free and happy. 

To my stepdad who loved me so much before little brother was born, only to toss me aside.  I wasn't an old doll that a child gets tired of playing with because they got a new one.  I was still the little girl that you loved so much.  I was this little girl who needed love just like little brother.  Didn't you know how much my heart was breaking.   Didn't you know, that you were killing me inside!!!

To the drunk uncle who thought it was so funny to put me in the trash can, put the lid on it, keep me in there while he and stepdad had their good laugh at my expense.  I wasn't a piece of trash.  I was this little girl, who was so afraid and so ashamed to be treated so horribly.  I just wanted love and to play and have fun.  Not to be made fun of and to be so tramatized that it affected the rest of my life.  I lost all faith in adults at that time.  I knew I was this little girl, in a BIG, BIG, SCARY WORLD,  and I was all alone!!!

To the child molester.  Why did you have to come into my life???  Why did you have to make me grow up feeling even more terrified and ashamed???  Thinking that sex was an ugly thing.  WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO KISS ME OR TOUCH ME IN THAT WAY.  TO MAKE ME FEEL SO DIRTY AND ASHAMED.  TO MAKE ME SO AFRAID TO EVEN LOOK AT THE LITTLE HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO MINE BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU DID YOUR EVIL DEED TO ME.  YOU KEPT ME AWAKE AND TERRIFIED FOR ENDLESS NIGHTS!!!   I WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL, WHO JUST WANTED TO PLAY AND HAVE FUN.  YOU RUINED WHAT HAPPINESS I HAD LEFT!!!  YOU HAVE ALSO TRAMATIZED ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! 

To my mom, who never knew how to love her children.  She did feed, clothes us, BUT MOM, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT MY SISTERS AND I WERE ALL DYING INSIDE FOR YOUR LOVE!!!  For your hugs and kisses.  To hear those BEAUTIFUL words, "I LOVE YOU!"  Do you know that I still crave your love sooooo bad.  Do you know that either you or I will die and we will have never had that mother, daughter connection.  Do you even care???  DOES IT EVER CROSS YOUR MIND???

To my first love.  I have had a chance to talk to you.  You know how much you cut my heart to pieces when you left me.  I gave my virginity to YOU.  You loved me or what ever it was that you gave to me and then you left me.  You didn't even have the heart to say, I'm leaving you, I don't love you anymore.  You just  stopped calling me, coming over to see me.  You just tossed me aside, like if I were a nothing.  That's why the pain cut me so deeply because I already had that same pain from being abandoned from stepdads love.  Now you've come back and you want me to love and trust you with my heart again.  Do you know how much I need for that to be true.  Do you know how long my heart has waited to hear those words???  I'm terrified to love you again!!!

To my husband.  You and I have been through hell and back.  We got married because I was pregnant.  You were an alcoholic.  You promised you would quit drinking when we got married.  I believed you, I always keep my promises, so I thought you would too.  You started breaking my heart within 2 months of our marriage.  I wanted my babies to have their dad in their lives.  So I took your pain, in order for my children to not be raised like I was with a stepdad who tossed me aside.  You would leave us every single weekend for 22 years.  Your friends and alcohol were more important to you, than our babies and I.  You don't remember how much I used to beg you to not leave us.  You don't know how much I suffered.  How  horrible it was to live with all of this pain, sadness, the controlling anxiety.  It was horrible, day after week, after month, after year!!!  You want me to just forget that pain and I CAN'T!!!   I do forgive you but I cannot forget.  No matter how much I try to explain my heart and soul and pain and sadness to you.  You somehow cannot grasp what I'm trying to tell you.  How I'm dying inside.  How I need you to love me soooo bad.  I need to hear those words, "I LOVE YOU!!!" 

I am a married woman.  But it is a loveless marriage.  I used to think when I first came to EP, how can people live in a loveless marriage.  I NOW understand.  It came back and hit me in the face. 

I came to EP to find people just like me, who had gone through a mental breakdown and PTSD.  That was the only reason.  I wanted people to know that there is life after a mental breakdown.  Things do get better after suffering with flashbacks.  

I did become friends with someone VERY SPECIAL here.  We became best friends.  One day I realized that I was in love with him.  I never said anything about it.  I kept that a secret, especially from him.  He started feeling the same way.  He started expressing his love to me.  I couldn't believe that he could possibly feel about me, the way I already felt about him.  Everything I wanted to say to him but wouldn't, he would say to me.  I would be like OMG, I can't believe this.  I had never met anyone like this man.  He is the most beautiful man I have ever met in my life.  He has shown me more love in one year of knowing him that I have ever experienced in my life.  He is also the most honest person I have ever met.  His love is exquisite!!!  Unfortunately, he wants to love me but with no commitment.  He wants to love me and others.  Here comes the abandoned feeling again.  I cannot get away from this feeling.  The feeling that I will once again, get abandoned, unloved.  I will once again, be tossed aside.  It haunts me day and night.  It is like demons, who will not leave me.

So I never dealt with any of my past pain.  I never had anyone to talk to about it.  So I just swallowed it up.  As a child I lived in constant fear and anxiety.  I dealt with it as best I could.  I had my favorite cousins and friends who helped me to survive.  None of them knew either how horrible my life was.  Some of them I've already told and they are in shock.  They had no idea, I was tormented so much.  I have recently found some of my favorite ex classmates.  We talk about our lives.  They have heard from other classmates that I had a breakdown.  They want to know WHY??? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???  WHY DIDN'T I REACH OUT TO THEM???  So I used weed to kill my pain for 25 years.  I will never go back to my life of drugs and alcohol.  I have been clean for almost 6 years. 

So I want so much to be free from all that has hurt me, wounded me, tramatized me, all of my life.  So I cannot depend on drugs any longer, I don't want to.  I have GOD, who I'm pleading with, to help me.  To give me strength to keep going.  Somedays I just wish I could fall asleep and NEVER wake up.  I will say, that I DO NOT believe in suicide, this is not my answer.  My children and grandchildren keep me from EVER doing this to myself!!!

I think maybe GOD is still trying to help me be rid of all these negative emotions.  I did get rid of all that FEAR that had haunted me all of my life.  I can say I am free from that.  I still deal with some anger but even that is not as bad.  Now I just have all of this past pain that I swallowed up.  It still grips my heart and soul.  Maybe one day, I will be free from all of my past.  Maybe one day, it will no longer haunt me.  Maybe one day, I will no longer be the trapped little bird in a cage that I feel like.  MAYBE!!!