An Extraction From My Diary Which I Haven't Looked At In A Year.

this is an extract from the first entry which i thought was a little sad.

'so lately i've not been feeling myself although these days that feeling has become so common i don't know what myself is anymore. i know how i should be - loud, happy, outgoing and carefree but lately all that has been taken away from me and i am the complete opposite and its getting progressively worse. its come to the point where i find it difficult to walk down the street alone because i feel people are staring at me and it makes me nervous. my heart starts to pound and i get really out of breath and feel on the verge of having a panic attack. its impairing my desire to do things because its affecting the way i feel.

i spend my time trying to build myself up barely getting along then it the tiniest setback brings it all down as i move one step forward then two steps back. i know i cannot give up because at the rate im descending i will slip into a horrible suffocating darkness and it will draw me in and consume me until there's nothing left. i spent years rebuilding my life after last time i cannot afford to do that again because i have virtually no energy left. but it seems i am not at my lowest point so i have no motivation to keep me from slipping back into that awful place. the only thing i have to keep me going is a single person and that is not enough. it is not healthy or right for either of us. how can i knowingly put that much pressure on someone who has to endure all my anger and frustration all in one go and expect them not to leave?

so i convince myself i'd rather be alone because i know sooner or later it'll happen and i won't be in control when it does.'



its safe to say i am pretty happy now. this entry was written last april, and in october my relationshop fell apart and my ex decided he didn't want to be with me any more. it took me until now to get over but he has found someone else and i am happy that he's happy, i don't think we were right for each other and as much as i tried to fight it the more apparent it was made. i just didn't want to accept it. but now i am free to be my own person, i don't have to worry about anyone else and i can spend my time constructively. i've got a lot to look forward to, and while today i am feeling down i will try to make tomorrow more positive. everyone tells me that i'm really positive and happy but that's because they don't realize i have to be else i will be drawn into that negative state and i can't handle that. so, i will put a smile on my face, i will stop drinking so much, i will fill my time with productivity and enjoy every moment. thank you for reading.