Past Love Come to My Future....

I met a young man when I was 21 years old, he was charismatic to say the very least, but he was also somewhat of a loner with a constant posse around.  He was well liked and much more by the women.  I instantly fell in love with him or what I thought then was love...

I moved on in the years to come, in fact giving birth to our mutual daughter (he never knew) and giving her up for adoption, then I moved away from our mutual state and lost contact with him overall.  I married two other men but somehow my relationships were never fulfilling.   I thought of him often throughout the years and when technology was introduced into our homes in the form of the internet I on occasion would search for him, his family, some connection to him.  Imagine my surprise when I found him quite by accident by mailing yet another letter to a man whom shared his father's name.  He contacted me via e-mail.

I was content living with a "good guy," in a nice home, and just watching my children grow up.  Then he was there.  I made excuses for a weekend excursion with him never thinking that anything would come of it, but within the next 4 weeks I had given up everything I knew and set out again on a mission of what I really felt was true love.  I uprooted my son, the youngest of my children and off on this adventure we went.  I just knew that finally I was to have it all, love and a geniune look for tomorrow.

But almost instantly I realized after just one and a half months with him that things weren't going to be that good...our arguements or at least the first four of thirteen major ones always resulted in my having to leave, and yes uproot my son.  But I kept going back, but because I could never set up on my own.

Then he was laid off of his job in November, compounded shortly by our fifth and most violatile argument to that point, it became physical and my son was involved.  Naturally we separated for over a month, my moving back to our original mutual home, a place I hadn't lived in over twenty years.  And soon I was calling him and begging him to come.  He did.

Shortly after he arrived we married, his father purchased a mobile home for us and we set out on a marriage.  But somehow we just couldn't get it right.  It took alot of time for both of us to find work, and he never became steady at any job, something that he wasn't accustomed to and while I did eventually find steady work with relatively good pay we just couldn't see eye to eye about anything.  This was our first year of marriage.

We are both marijuana users and a few other recreational drugs and part of me believes that may be the problem, but eight major arguments/separations later we are still hanging on.  But lately it has become more difficult and I am at wits' end on what I should do. 

During our first major argument/separation after returning to our mutual home he moved into a place with two other females and while I truly believe that it was an innocent arrangement (I can't explain why), it is true that one of them he had lived with and left behind years earlier and the other he had dated briefly.  But both of them were infected with Hep C and he values his health, alot.  Part of my reasoning with myself.

The arguments that followed always seemed to transpire just after my pay days and after we had paid all of the bills and were broke, so when he left I was left with nothing except this trailer that was a constant threat from him to me.  I had previously lost my license due to financial obligations and yet I continued to drive during these episodes resulting now into five driving while licenses revokeds.  It continues to affect me today.

Eventually I talked him into getting out of this county and returning to where I came from when I found him, where my Mother and daughter are and I thought hey maybe this time.  But again, we have had major arguments and I continue to get behind.  I think I have had enough. 

Recently I found out that I have herpes one and two, which totally blew me away, I am 46 years old and never had a std, and like I said I have been married twice before with a minimal of boyfriends.   Of course when confronted with it it was me that had it to begin with, but unfortunately my previous "good guy" boyfriend had recently been diagnosed with rheumatoid arth., and just very recently lymphoma cancer, so needless to say bloodwork with him is abundant.  I can prove this case.

However, I can't get ahead without him and I have my son to be concerned with, I am not currently working mostly due to my poor attitude or lack of attitude altogether and there seems to be no end in sight as far as my getting ahead.  I think I want out but I can't figure out how to get out.  I have no vehicle, that was taken a while back, I have no money and really no real alternatives that won't affect my son.  And my daughter.  I really need some advice and to hear what yall might be thinking, please help me.






dreamerofthepast dreamerofthepast
46-50, F
3 Responses Jun 13, 2007

The beginning part of this story sounds a lot like Hollywood, and the rest of it is what Hollywood didn't tell us. Thanks for the sharing.<br />
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My suggestion would be to go back to God and ask for help. I think confessing you are on your wit's end, and admit to Him what you have done wrong, and He will open a new path for you! <br />
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He has opened new paths for me many times before, and He also has rescued many people in near-death experiences, so when men can't help, seek God!

It won't be easy, but I think it's time to move on. You're no worse off without him than you are with him. At least without him, you have a chance at a clean slate, fresh start. With him, at least by reading your comments, you're stuck on this treadmill going nowhere. I would say be took a while for you to get to this point and it will take a while to get back to where you want to be. Take baby steps. Focus for now on your son and daughter and what you can do to take care of them. It sounds like a large part of your adult life has been spent focusing on him. It's time to focus on your children and yourself.

You say that you can't get ahead without him, but it seems like you can't get ahead with him. You attitude and lack of enthusiasm for your work probably has much to do with your bad situation at home. I don't know what kind of advice to give you on where to go from now, I am afraid to get it wrong, but there are ways out. He entered into the marriage on false pretenses, you have the upper hand. best of luck to you.