Somewhere the Choice Was Made...

I can no longer remember the day life changed for me.  I have always had body image issues.  Mine led to life with anorexia nervosa.  And, the point in that, is that no matter how thin you are, how little you weigh, you are never thin enough, never light enough.  I still battle it, and do not always win against myself.  But, my body makes me literally cry with shame, and disgust. 

The weirdest part for me, is that I don't care what everyone else looks like, it is me who needs to be accountable for me.  I might have an initial moment of "ewe" but that is more because I see myself like those people, and it just makes me want to puke.  I don't, as I have never been bulemic.  The feeling is still there though.  But, as I was saying...  I actually really love a lot of people who are overweight, and a couple who are obese, clinically.  I am not disgusted by them, but I put on 5 pounds, and want to starve for a week.

This is uncomfortable to talk about, but that is why I need to do it.  I don't feel that I can "heal", unless I talk about it.  Part of the "disease" is keeping it a secret.

Anyway, my goal is to eventually love the way I look, even if it isn't what I originally wanted for myself.  I want to be happy with my body.  I don't want to hate it anymore.

skinnybitch skinnybitch
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 10, 2009

I also am dealing with the same issues it seems like its an EVERYDAY struggle, that nobody understands unless they too are going through it. People tell me ALL the time you look fine or good be happy but I just cannot seem to find happiness within myself which matters most.To me it does not matter if the world around me is happy with the way I look what truly matters is how I FEEL. I just do not think people get it.

Thank you Baker. I appreciate that this site is so full of support. I am here for all of you too!

Working on it. But like learning anything, it is a process.

Learn to be happy with yourself