Lost And Ashamed

I have so much I need to get out and I don't know where else to go. I can't talk to my friends or family because I'm so ashamed. I've tried talking to God but I can't do that either; I feel dirty and so unworthy. I feel like I'm so far gone that even He can't save me. The thoughts I have scare me and I know a child of God couldn't think like this. I'm so scared and lonely. I hate nights. There's so much time to think. I miss being able to sleep - just sleep. It's been a year since I was raped; I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be over this by now. I hate myself for being so weak; crying is weak and I cry every night. I didn't think things could get worse than last semester; I've made such great progress since then, but I'm slipping back there now. It was terrible. I didn't want to see anyone I loved because I felt so dirty and ashamed. I just wanted to be drunk all the time - it made everything so much easier and allowed me to forget. I hated walking around campus because I felt like everyone could see how disgusting I am; everyone was always staring at me. I stopped going to my classes and didn't study anymore because I knew I wouldn't be here by the time finals came around. I didn't care about living anymore. I remember planning out what I was going to do, but deciding to wait until after Thanksgiving so I could see my family one last time.

My nine year old sister is what stopped me. The night before I came back to college, I layed down next to her while she was sleeping and cried all night. Looking at how beautiful and innocent she is, I hated myself so much. I felt so dirty being so close to her, but I just wanted to hug her tight and never let go. I don't want to die, I just want to be somewhat happy. I want to be able to look in a mirror without disgust. I want to be thinner; I want to be empty. It wouldn't solve anything but at least I'd finally have a little respect for myself. It would show me I was strong in one way even if I'm so weak in everything else. I love the control it gives me. That's what has gotten me through. I eat just so I can throw it up. I don't want food; it disgusts me. But I force myself to eat so I can throw up and finally feel good, it's like a high; I'm strong and in complete control, even if just for a second. I want to care about myself again.

I hate him for taking me away. I hate myself for letting him take me away. 2 years ago I was beaten and choked by a good friend who decided he wanted to be more than friends. He tried to rape me, but I got away. It still haunts me, but I was able to move on and be thankful I got away. With the next guy, I didn't, and I hate myself for it. I should have left his house when I started feeling weird. The thought of opening my eyes and seeing him on top of me telling me to be quiet terrifies me. I was so out of it but I could feel him. He said it was what I wanted and nothing could stop him. He said I could never tell because my boyfriend would break up with me. Everytime I told him to stop he just told me to quit fighting because his door was locked and no one could save me. He lay next to me and played with my hair but he wouldn't let me move. He said I just needed to sleep and I would feel better in the morning. But one drink shouldn't make me feel like that. I was so confused and he wouldn't stop touching me. I just cried until I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and started walking back to my dorm. I wished more than anything someone would just pick me up and take me away forever. I was so ashamed of myself and I didn't want to face anyone because I felt so dirty and disgusting. I decided not to tell anyone because if I didn't admit it happened then maybe I could forget it and make myself believe that it never did.

It worked for a while. Now my parents and best friend know and it's made it so much harder. I know they think I'm so stupid for letting this happen twice. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to be numb. I stole some of my mom's pills last time I went home so I could sleep. I also took some leftover bottles of vicodin. I loved the feeling. I was alive and content, something I havne't felt in a long time. I miss that. I didn't want to have sex until I was engaged, but that doesn't matter anymore. I don't see the point now; I've already ruined everything. I rely on my eating disorder as my only source of control. I feel so accomplished and strong if I make it 3 days without food. I've turned to alcohol again and I don't care what happens to me because I feel like my body doesn't belong to me anymore; it belongs to whatever ******* is going to come along next. It used to be God's body that I respected and loved. But I can't belong to God anymore. God is pure and beautiful and I am anything but that. I have so many scary thoughts going through my head but I can't tell anyone I love because they will freak out and lock me up in some mental institution. I'm not insane. I just need help -God's help. I need Him to save me but I don't know how to find him because I'm too ashamed to even open my Bible. I just want to be able to care about myself and my life again.

lightandfree lightandfree
18-21, F
5 Responses Apr 22, 2010

that was not your fault if he raped you.god loves you because you are still his child.he loves you through all these hard things. it says in the bible that he will never leave us or forsake us. god has been with you the whole time and he doesnt want you to feel ahamed of something that is not your fault.god wants you to cast all your care on him because he cares for you very much. jesus wants you to invite him in and cry on his shoulders.he doesnt want you to have all this pain and suffering. he wants you to give him all your burdens and cares so that he can help you through this but you've got to open up to him and let him help you.i am prayin for you my friend and if you need someone to talk to please email me back.jesus loves you very much you are a very precious child of god. dont let anybody tell you different. god is calling your name and calling you back home to him

Without platitudes about God or forgiveness, there is one thing you can do that is virtually guaranteed to help you work through this... and that's going to a support group for women who have been raped. You are struggling with deep shame and isolation now. Going to the group would help you process all that, and by reconnecting with others who have undergone the same thing, you will experience healing.<br />
Flower for you. :)

Hello darling,<br />
<br />
Let me just say, I have been through a similar experience that resulted in worsening my anxiety and leading me into being anorexic. Somedays I see myself and wish myself away. Sometimes you think, maybe if you starve long enough you will be so thin that you can dissapear. I felt so useless. I didn't feel relevant to life. <br />
<br />
That kind of thinking landed me in several hospital beds. I felt like my body was invaded all over again. The strap of blood pressure monitors on my arm. The I.V. drip needed to rehydrate my body after a failed suicide attempt.<br />
I look at myself, and some days I see beauty. I too, look at my little sister and see innocence. I wish I had a smile like hers sometimes... so care free and full of joy, like it knows no sorrows.<br />
<br />
Some nights I run a hand over my body, being thankful that it survived all this abuse I have done to it. Some nights I thank the sky full of stars that I don't feel the need to be empty.<br />
<br />
You are beautiful and innocent. A towering rose bush doesn't lose it's beauty because someone came along with a pair of scissors and cut all the petals off. The petals will come back one day, and the thorns will grow greater, feeling the heightened need to protect itself.<br />
<br />
You are beautiful and always have been. You are NOT only your body. You are your soul, your mind. God is a wonderful thing/person/whatever, but you must realize that you have so much of YOU left that you have not given yourself. You have so much intelligence, kindness, strength and warmth in you that cannot be purged away or even found in a bible. It's in you, and no one can take it. <br />
<br />
Always remember, your purity and innocence is in your heart, not anywhere else on your body.

You are strong, beautiful and a big sister! <br />
When you start talking about it u will find out that It is amazing how many other women have been trough the same: college professor, advisers, ,,, friends.<br />
So sad to find out that it happens so often.<br />
<br />
Don't blame yourself<br />
-- this feeling shall pass.<br />
Every day these thoughts will fade more.<br />
You already are stronger.<br />
<br />
I hope u make this bulimia just a stage... go and talk with someone who can understand and help.<br />
Focus on studying, and getting ridiculously good grades.<br />
It works to help get control back over your life.<br />
Many a strong survivors out there. <br />
Make me proud!

The only time you are beyond God's forgiveness is when you stop believing that he can forgive you.<br />
<br />
As long as you remember he loves you unconditionally, he will accept you. You should really seek a therapist, not because you are crazy because you are not... but because having a neutral party to talk to helps, someone who can really see the situation for what it is and help you.