People....they are in our lives. It is not a choice. As people who experience inner turmoil, it is also not a choice when we push them away. It always seems to be a survival mechanism because we dont want to hurt those we love or those who love us. We dont want help from people who have not experienced the breath and depth of our pain. They just dont understand. But as I live and breathe, my God, I start to wonder if that understanding even makes a big difference. I am surrounded by people who care about me. People know I am wounded. I dont have to say it. And I dont have to explain it either. My explanation means absolutely nothing to anyone. People arent going to solve our problems. Drugs arent either. And certainly not the power in a pint of absolut which is coming from a recovering alcoholic who almost lost it yesterday. It was the power of people that helped me yesterday on EP as I read a story which I heavily related to. The girls words came alive in my head. Her world became my own. I dont come on EP for advice. Its enough to hear someone say....I feel your pain....have courage....have faith.....My counselor is forever telling me that everything is going to be ok. Sure, aha, whatever. And those moments when I say you have no f****** idea she'll say then: believe that I believe. And sometimes thats enough. Powerful words. And sometimes its not. I have so much inner pain. I have been struggling on a daily basis. I have asked myself over and over if survival is all I can achieve in life, then do I really want to? Im alive but not living. But if I take the crap out of my ears and read the powerful stories of others...as I sit and stare at my counselor in frustration, anger and disbelief that she really cares...maybe I have a chance at that living. Right now, at this moment in time, I can honestly say that this is all a bunch of bull**** . I dont believe me. Im still f***** up. Yup, keep talking...But all of you people out there..all you have to say is hey,you're going to be ok....all you have to say is man, I know that struggle and it sucks. I can sure talk the talk but I need to walk the walk too. I need to listen, read between the lines of what people write or say. My life has been saved countless number of times these past few months by listening to my daughter talk about her day, hearing my husband say daily that he loves me, not wanting to listen to coworkers rant and rave about the same **** over and over but hearing them talk anyway so easily about their humdrum lives, the sound of my mom laughing, the positive affirmations I get from my counselor almost daily. And even if I say "NANANA I CANT HEARRR YOUUU' Guess what...I hear. Hard not to, even if its..blah blah strong..blah better blah. The words between the crap we hear. So people, even if you dont want to listen to what anybody tells you, understand that there are alot of people out there who feel your pain. These people can help in ways that are beyond describable. Things may not be ok, things may never be ok, but to hear that they might, might actually make you,,,,,,and me,,,,,,believe.