I Wish

That men felt love the way women do. I wish someone would fall in love with me.. I miss the way my ex used to sigh a breath once he had me in his arms... i dont miss him , just the action. I just want to spend the whole night in bed with the window open and it pouring rain outside... wake up at 6am and make love ... move into the shower and wash each other off... I miss intimacy.. I miss being in love... I want to be held.

ladyjbug ladyjbug
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 9, 2010

I have been in love if that is what you call that almost helpless feeling when you've let all walls down and let someone experience your soul energy. Letting that other witness how you connect yourself to the Source of the energy that moves through all things, seeing your weakness, your strength, your outer lie so you won't get hurt, your inner real because you are. She was 20 when we met, I was 35. She came to a party I had at my house and barely noticed her, or anyone for that matter because I was spinning wax that evening and had worked 75 hours that week already. Corporate IT Director meets lost little girl with broken insides. Step Daddy done her wrong from early age I came to find out. She lied a lot, about everything. Everything. She went on a couple dates with my brother is the only way I even knew her, he is a player and I am not. One night sitting on some stairs at our music studio, she turned to me and asked me why I wasn't married, or had a girl, or kids, or if i was gay. What I wanted out of life and why I worked all the time and spoke very little. Interesting why a 20 year old beautiful young woman would even ask me anything about real life. Because I was in love with my Ducati racing bike and loved my ****** up salary corporate broken server user-babysitting **** job as the unappreciated director of IT for some large firm. Duh? So I had worked my entire career to get to this point seemed, well pointless. As we sat there in awkward silence - for I am really shy when it gets to this point, I asked her what she saw in my brother, and some other small talk getting down to what she wanted out of life. What she said astonished me. Absolutely the most beautiful words that I have ever heard and for the next 30 minutes I stared into this young and not so innocent girls eyes thinking to myself... you are dating the wrong brother.

I would like a family. I would like someone I could trust. I would like to paint more and have children. I would like to feel the warm summer rain upon my face while I danced with someone who would splash in the puddles with bare feet and lay in the grass until we were soaked and cold. I would like to meet a man who doesn't just want to **** me or use me to get something else out of it. I would like to meet a man who when he looks at me I FEEL beautiful, not just because I have this body and not for the reasons you would otherwise think, but because he would look past my big ears and all the things I hate about myself. Someone who would just be there and love me for who I am. The problem is I don't know who I am. I am a long drawn out series of messes from one to the next. Last boyfriend was a drug dealer who broke my ribs and locked me in a closet, the one before.... I know the story coming from the side of those side of the tracks too. Not always pleasant and not always nice.

Up until this point I was never going to ever get married, have children, do the stupid ritual that all humans seem to do with nesting vigor so that they didn't have to feel so alone in this big world, recklessly risking the inevitable crippling painful hurt inside one's chest that is so heavy it is hard to breath. I danced with AnnaBella, my 180 mph love dressed in red who never would dream of hurting me. Never again was I ever going to let anyone that close again... ever. It was like I had only one feeling so my feelings - plural - could never be hurt because I didn't have any. Pain is weakness leaving your body I was told once when I killed people for our government, but that was even more painful still being the Taoist monk I was not wishing to ever hurt anyone or anything. I am embarrassed to even think that I was very good at something that hurt me to the core of my compassionate and loving without condition or definition, or even question because I was an instrument of thy love, not of thy condemnation. My God is not an angry one, so how was I so cold and so ugly when I came home that I lived without mirrors in my house for almost 2 1/2 years, shaving and all that like in the field by touch and having it pointed out that you missed some spots... looking like a mental patient. I just could not look at the monster who came home to a cheating lying person who just 6 months prior helped me pick out this 4000 sq ft 5 bedroom house to have lots of children in and raise our perfect American dream, getting sold the lie. Why is it that some people just aren't real? Or am I just that stupid or gullible? Not likely having the IQ and the street smarts of an Oscar winning conman, but wasn't.

So you are probably thinking get to the point you long winded weirdo, go write your woes me story on your own page. Dually noted, however your story struck me as real so please bear with me would you, please. I was not going to get fooled again. Never ever EVER going to go there again. Thus the parties of too many people spilling drinks all over the house that was such an absolutely resonant opera house and classical orchestra hall with wood floors, open arched ceilings, master stairwell that wound up stopping on the landing letting you out into the night onto the garage roof where I would seek quiet meditation and escape from the naked women on xtc trying to tell me why I should do this or that, they had someone perfect for me, blah blah.. sometimes cherishing the silence when all my lovely friends would either be passed out on my lawn or other places in and around the palace that had become something that owned me. But idle hands are the devils workshop and I can engineer some very cool ****. Deadly ****. I got to this point where I was no longer a human being. I was a machine, who barely ever slept, worked to kill the boredom of a McDonalds fast food empty culture of brainless idiots who all want it now and don't feel like they should need to work hard for it because TV told them that we would all be famous and rich, in fact we are entitled to in and it is our birthright as the children slaves of the States of America.

This absolutely incredibly intuitive 20 year old girl that could see right through me. Said that I have a purple aural glow around my entire being and knew I was so empty that there wasn't even a glass to be half full of anything. This night I stood up and thanked her for the most interesting conversation that I have had in more than ten years, finished my tenth tall can of beer, walked up the stairs into the rainy night to do the dance of death with my AnnaBella. Every night, rain or shine, even snow and below zero temperatures I had a ritual. The only thing that even sexually stimulated me at all to go test my riding skills against the city and those who tried to stand in the way of my imminent demise. I was never going to get caught because by that time I had become completely numb. Jacked out of my mind on amphetamines, sort of buzzed from the beer or half a bottle of Stoli or Johnny Walker black, headphones blasting progressive house in my helmet doing no less than 100 mph at every opportunity. Pathetically jaded for life. All women lie, most men are pigs and dogs. I wasn't even part of humanity anymore. I was your zombie ladyjbug.

I shall digress into this morning and will have to finish the story at a later time dear, because being homeless and unemployed and sitting in someones house that is not anyone I know at their computer, if the occupants should decide to come home from vacation I would surely be arrested as an intruder. One that would never steal even a single possession of someone else's, or ever harm another human or other sentient being for any reason other the defense of someone the lesser of another more capable of those kinds of acts against another. Self defense does not even enter the mind.
Give of thyself without any expectation of return, without hesitation, nor of conceit. Only the intention of helping another through the sheer act of unconditional love and compassion for all beings. I am an instrument of thy love...

I did Michelle!! in fact I met him almost a week after I wrote this and hes still just as loving :)

Ex....was it the boots?

aww you all are so lucky to have experienced that. Appreciate it.

to feel skin on skin cuddled tight, legs over my thighs, arms wrapped tight, feeling a womans head snuggled into my neck , and waking to affection kissing touching wanting yearning are to be desired and never feel lonely for this time xx

as a cuddler, snuggler i can not think of anything sadder than a woman who just wants to be held.......my lady friend tells me that it is like being sheltered when i hold her....some of us knows that different gestures don't lead to sex.......