I So Want To Be Happy Again!

I will be married to the same man for 36 years in November. We met about 4 months before my 17th birthday. He knew exactly what to say to make me fall for him. I was only 16 and he was my first relationship. I had guys flirt with me in high school but none of them ever made their move. I was 16 and he was 21, yes illegal combination but neither of us cared. I was so glad someone had finally paid attention to me. I wish now I had been smarter about it and just waited. I was young and stupid and ready to get away from my parents. He asked me to marry him on our second date and like an idiot I said I would. By the time my 17th birthday came around I was pregnant and getting ready to get married. If I could, I would go back and do it all differently. I learned a couple months after we were married that he had no patience for me. He liked to drink a lot. There were times he would come home from working 3rd shift on Friday mornings and bring 6 or 7 co-workers home with him and they would drink from Friday morning until Sunday night. He usually didn't make it to work on Sunday nights. It started that when he was drunk he would take things out on me. First he started by pushing me and then it went to beating me. I suffered beatings through 2 of my pregnancies and I am thankful that both of my kids are alright today. The beatings continued for 7 to 8 years until one day he really lost it and tried to kill me. As he was beating me all he could keep saying was "I am going to kill you" over and over again. I still wake up in the middle of the night because I still have nightmares about this. I hope someday this will go away but it has been probably 28 years since that day and it isn't getting any better. He doesn't feel any remorse for this, he keeps telling me I asked for it. Oh yeah, I go around on a daily basis asking to be killed. If I had not been so young and had kids to worry about, I would have left but I had no where to go and no way to support me and my 2 kids at the time. After the physical abuse stopped the verbal abuse started. I deal with this on a daily basis now. His whole family was this way and I wish I had known this before but of course at 16 it wouldn't have mattered at all. I was convinced he was the sweetest man around. Now I am stuck because of guilt. He has major health issues and needs someone to make sure he takes his meds and sees his doctors like he is supposed to. So here I am living in a miserable marriage. No kind of human contact at all. He can't and won't hug me and there is and has not been any sex in our marriage for over 6 years now. All he can say is I should be gone wthin 5 years and you can find someone who can take care of your needs. If things keep up like this I might not be here in 5 years. It is just so unfair of him to be this way. I want to ask him for a divorce so bad but I am afraid if something happened to him after I left, I would not be able to live with myself. He developed OCD, depression and diabetes about 20 year ago and that was when life as I knew it pretty much ended. He was no longer able to touch me because of the OCD and he wouldn't even kiss me anymore and god forbid if sex got brought up. He got the OCD and depression somewhat under control and still he will not touch me and when it comes to a kiss it is usually just a real quick peck. He developed ED and has seen several specialists for this, so sex is gone for good.

I just feel like I am dying inside. I have lost most of my self esteem. I still have good health and want so much to be able to find someone who really loves and cares for me. Someone who would really enjoy helping me out with my needs. I have been through sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse. So yes I do have issues but I don't let any of them get me down. What gets me down is my marriage. I have told him several times that I can't keep going like this and he just blows me off. I am hoping one of these days he will make me mad enough that I can walk out that door and never look back. Until then I sit here as miserable as ever.