Dont Know What You Got, Till Its Gone--forever*

Dont Know What You Got, Till Its Gone--Forever*
Another sleepless night for me tonight, and I'm hyper as can be, I must get out of the house before I go crazy, despite the weather. No destination in mind really, I just decide to take a walk to the end of my street over by the ocean instead of driving.
The ocean so beautiful but fierce tonight and I am listening to the music in my ears..... Its the song that just keeps playin on the radio on my headphones, it keeps my mind flowing as
I walk in the dark distance at midnight, along the sea wall... I can hear the waves flowing and feel the wind blowing rapidly, the scent of salty water and rain mixed, around me....its a cold wet night, the rain is falling from the star-less black sky on my head and into my eyes, I start to sing along with the music that
keeps me thinking about how much time has passed as I step over each puddle on the pavement.
Thinking about each night how
I sleep deep in solitary, and I cry all alone.
I suddenly realize I am alone in this cold, cold world.
My fears and tears will never subside, If I said I was fine, its only because I have lied...
You know I'll never tell you how I really feel, oh I'll never ever tell you the real deal.
Thinking about your calls on my phone,
You tell me you can save me tonight.
Save me from what? Myself? My thoughts that may kill me softly??
But would it be right?
No, IDE rather be alone than guilt stricken.
My thoughts and dreams will keep me company,
And I look back picturing that same look in your brown eyes.
Each word said to me, each night in which seemed like paradise. Conversations we had engaged in like echoes in my mind over and over again.....
Where did the time go, the nights from so long ago?
I can still see 2 pairs of footsteps in the sand under the same full moon glistening upon the ocean in my mind.
I can still remember everything said to me.
You come around now and you speak your words,
I know you don't think I hear what you said...
I hear you, I'm listening silently, but my heart is dead.
I hear what you said....I hear what you said....
But you know, that was so long ago, and the time has passed away....
You hurt me once, you hurt me twice, but I was still there for you, I wanted to be the one to save you, but it wasn't good enough no matter what I tried to do....
You couldn't let it last, everything came and gone so damn fast.....
And I think about these sudden times flashing back at me as I walk into the cold darkness...
My thoughts start to consume me...
I remember back to the last night together when you said good-bye..
Dropping that bomb on me as I lie by your side...and you kiss me softly goodnight..
You turned around and you walked away...I just wanted you to stay.
You didn't want to give me that one more chance to show you that I was for real.
And the time has passed away, it was so long ago,
Where did the time go?
Where did the night go that I look upon?
It disappeared with my hopes and dreams down the drain as
I see your reflection in the puddle tonight from the rain.
I close my eyes and I wonder if its all a dream....
"Turn around", I hear, "Turn around" is what you said...
A flashlight so bright in my eyes, I wonder if I am dead.
My heart skips two beats and I know its you...
I hear your scratchy soft voice...
I can smell your scent ..... and hear and feel the cold wet rain coming down upon me..
But the last time was so long ago, what can I do?
You didn't believe in me when I believed in you....
You wouldn't let me live that chance...and you turned around and walked away, in tears I watched you go.
It hurt me each and every day in every way, and now here you are again...
My heart is beating quickly within me and I look at the sky, wondering God, why? Jesus why????
I turn around to you, I don't know why...
You grab me tightly and I just start to cry...
"Why are you here"? I ask as you wipe my tear....
Here I am in the arms of a super hero, the one I looked up to so long ago.....
But time has come and gone, and I've hurted for so long....
It seemed that it took me forever to mend together those pieces that shattered like a mirror crashing to the ground.....sharp thin pieces that cut deep into me like a razor blade what seemed to be slashing through my heart each night as I actually pictured blood red splash stains on the four walls around me as if those walls were an artists canvas.
I stop my morbidly inner thoughts abruptly, and I let go of you and look into those eyes again of the one person I loved so very much....and flashes come back at me like a jolt of lightening from the past....I then think again to myself oh my God, I want to love him again so bad, and this moment is killing me inside, but I must be strong,
I must stand tall and remember my pride.
I take a deep breath and I say. "its to late for this"
He looks at me in disbelief... "what'??
"I loved you, I said, I loved you more then life itself, I believed in you, I knew how you were, I read your soul when I looked deep into your eyes....but you...You didn't want to believe anything I said, you thought I was just another pretty face, and you never bothered to look inside my heart and soul.
"Its over now, and I am gone,that moment in time has passed and I am sorry."
I didn't want to turn my back and it took all the strength I have ever had to do this, turn my back away from someone who finally figured me out, turning my back away from someone who was finally willing to feel the way I once did.
I turned around from the person I looked up to like a super hero in cartoons, his badge shining in the moonlight like a hero's medal almost blinding me with the reflection.
I turned around and walked slowly but surely trying to contain myself, tears flowing like a waterfall, But I gotta do what I gotta do, I'm saving my pride despite the mixture of feelings I feel inside...The wind blowing through my hair and his scent fading farther and farther away from me as I walk...still picturing that last look of disbelief in his eyes....I say to myself....
Good-bye my love, yes its true, I do still love you for you. But you didn't love me for me until I was gone and it was to late.
No one ever knows what they got till its gone, and gone forever....
-- Cz
LoveISHateHateISLove LoveISHateHateISLove
13-15, F
May 13, 2012