I don't know how to love

"You had a lot of crooks trying to steal your heart, never really had love couldn't ever figure out how to love, how to love. You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever, and now you're in the corner trying to put it together how to love, how to love."
I remember when I was five my brother and I would wake up in the middle of night because our parents were yelling too loud. We would try to stay hidden at the top of the stairs watching them fight. We were both to young to understand what they were fighting about. They got divorced, and this is the only thing I remember from when they were together.
Maybe that's why I'm so confused about love. I always wonder through every heart break and every time I see someone else heartbroken if it's actually possible for two people to love each other and make it last. How come it's always so short lived? Love is like a two sided blade, with the happiness and fulfillment it brings, it also bring so much loss and pain. Why does it have to be like that? Is it possible to love without the pain?
I worry that I'll never be able to find love. Even if I do, how could I keep it? I've never seen it work out. I have no model of love to base it off of. I was never taught how to love. I remember my ex saying "you're so lucky your parents are divorced" soon before I never saw him again...
I remember cuddling with him thinking it was real.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I see all these people in relationships and I want somebody to love me that way too. I want somebody I can love that way. But I want it to last. I don't want to lose love. I don't want another 'moment that didn't last forever'.
Sometimes I question the existence of love. How do I know it's not mother nature's sneaky way of making us reproduce?
I remember listening to the lyrics above from Lil' Wayne's "How to Love" and balling my eyes out. It felt like I could be the girl he was singing the song to.
I'm afraid I'm gonna be alone forever because I don't know how to love and nobody cares enough to stay around and teach me.
ever85 ever85
18-21, F
Jan 7, 2013