My Loveless Life.

When i was younger, my family loved me and so did people at school. I was cute, and cheerful. I had two childhood crushes (mutual crushes). They either died or left the school. They are the most tangible love in my life.

Since then, my mum has revealed to me that she wishes I was a girl and has decided that she doesnt love me. She still fulfills some of her motherly duties, but the feeling is gone. My father still loves me, I am certain. He got thrown out by my mother and now lives in his car. I never see him.

No one loves me. I want to be loved. I always love someone, as though I am desperate, not for sexual appeasement, but for that metaphysical connection that made my childhood so surreal. I love this girl at the moment, she fascinates me like no other. I want to experience this so-called "love" (that I am missing out on) with her. I have told her, I dont think she took me seriously. I'll try again now.
Crispy Crispy
18-21, M
18 Responses Sep 23, 2006

Life is a ball of sh*t...
I was born mixed race in to a white English family. It took me over 30 years to hear , from my mother. That "when I was born, she (my mum) knew that I WAS NOT white/Caucasian.#
She explained that at that moment, of my birth, she cried because she was ashamed! Of me.
I visited her in Hospital at the age of 36 (mastectomy), my mum expressed that, the other patience in her ward were asking whom I was?
I had to rise above the feelings and suggest that she say "he/I am a long term associate, friend of the family that calls you mum?"
You have to be. And that is not a FOLLOWER, but a unique one of a kind, NORMAL person...
I have failed at suicide, it has enabled me to understand that, I was only crying OUT for Help!
My History:
Born mixed race.
Born with a Lazy eye.
Mother was ashamed of me.
Extended Family; dis-associated with my immediate family.
Understood that my Step dad was, "I'm not racist! But type of person.
Children are ruthless in their reverence for Fun and Laughter Leading to complexity of, emotional understanding, due to complicated need for FUN!
If you are aware of hermaphrodites' then you are aware of the implications that relate to being Asexual this is that nature uses with Snails... they have both reproductive systems and therefore there is not a specific, Male or Females but SHE-MALES.

I have read an article about an endo-genome set and an embryo is female, until a certain point of its development the male genetics have to switch ON... Any mishap or misadventure could easily interfere with this transformation leading to some programmes not switching OVER!
And may I say that we are immortal, i.e. energy can only change form. it can not cease to be, energy.

I understand what you are feeling. I'm sorry that you have not found the one....I'm still searching too. I am married but with a man that has never loved me. Good thing is that you are young and life will have many surprises for you. I will be 34 in 10 days and I feel that I have given 10 years to someone that will eventually just walk out of my life one day when he finds his other half. Then I will be left old and alone. I must say I am not attractive at all and after three beautiful girls my body is the least he wants to see. For you and I all we can do is find God's love. The real and only true love. He will make sure to put someone in our way one day.

i understnd being loved is awesome,but some of us who are in relationships right now kinda wanna be single again,id trade spaces with you today,enjoy being single and oh b.t.w. act like you dont care and people will flock to you..seriously.

learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all :) ♥♥♥

So. Have you found love yet? I have not. I'm 52. And 5 foot 2 inches tall. And overweight with an ugly face. A cross between Lyle Lovett, Gary Coleman and Ceelo. I've been rejected so many times by women whom I have loved or lusted for, that I have lost count. I have always been socially inept and awkward. When I was in my twenties, the only girls I shared any special bond with were those who came onto me. But they all left quickly. Sometimes it was just a matter of days before they'd realize their mistake and move on. Those whom I approached turned me down. 100% of them. Ever since I was unjustly accused of rape, I have been gun shy, preferring a gentlemanly approach. Unfortunately, that has not worked for me. I've tried showering women with gifts. But that is unsustainable. Besides you can't win their hearts with gifts. I'm no stranger to heartache and loneliness. Guys often talk about their conquests - their loves. Twenty-five years after my rash of mostly failed encounters as a young man, I have none to speak of. It sucks to be short, ugly and socially inept. It's unlikely that I'll ever find someone that I find attractive. Look, the irony is I reject women too on some of the same grounds that I'm rejected - physical unattractiveness. So why should I have any hope for myself ? This is how I shall die. Lonely and loveless .

My situation is somewhat similar, I long for that soul connection rather than just physical intimacy, I miss that very much. I've made many attempts at potential female partners just to be let down at the end, I've had my doubts about the existence of love, or if it exist only for some...

to silverwindspirit...... where almost the same!!! though i hate it my self....!!!<br />
my mom and dad... are don't care whether im good or in bad...<br />
my sis and bro are gold digger...!!!!<br />
i do had the envy when i see a couple person... we had the same feeling..<br />
and im 21... and i dont had girlfrend since birth.....!!! <br />
i hate it a lot..<br />
when i feel down i go to internet cafe and watch love anime or read shojo manga,,,,!!!<br />
and thats what i do... but it never stop me the desire to have and special someone to be by my side

now check this out, I use to feel the same way when I was young. My mom and I use to use drugs together and it was fun at first then later down the road some how we were ripped apart and we were no longer close any more. She said many hurtful things to me but guess what I don't remember too much of what she had told me but I too told her stuff that a daughter should not say to any parent no matter what. But now we get along and we rebuilt our relationship over the phone because she could not stay clean out here in tulare california. She use to be one of the hard core runners who would deliver you drugs to your house. Dang i lived a crazy life with my mom. But I love her still to this day. What your are feeling is going to pass so keep your head up. Like many people have told me WE CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY ALL THE TIME AND YOU CAN MAKE YOUR SELF HAPPY IF YOU CHOOSE TO . I don't know you personaly but I do know what tornment is and depression and I am not a puppet today I have control of what I feel inside my head heart and soul and you should do the same. Good luck

Another thing is that what you are feeling is normal. The need for a connection, to be loved and cared about is something all of us feel. You don't have to be scared of what you feel, it's normal, everyone has this feeling no matter what. And it's healthy to talk about it

I am 44 and I have never been loved. People take relationships and flirtations for granted the way we take food for granted -- and I am homeless and malnourished.

I know the feeling, I've been single my entire life (although I hate to admit it). I can share lots of stuff about my personal life. My mother was very manipulative and my father didn't care about anything. My brother could care less as well. I never really had time for friends (obviously a g/f of course) because I spent most of it worrying about how I'm going to make it through the week (like where's my next meal going to come). But now that I have a job I can relax a bit-but still no luck. I guess I was scared to say anything since I really don't want to seem desperate or anything, but I've always wondered what it's like to have that special someone by my side and honestly I got jealous when I saw couples happy together. But one thing I did was turn to music to help me get by, especially in the most loneliest times. There's this one song called "hands" by Jewel, it helps get my hopes back up although I still would like to experience the feeling called "love". Another song that has helped me was "Dare To Live" by Andrea Bocelli. The need to be loved is inevitable but complex at the same time. So what can a 24 yr old like me do?

that's heartbreaking, especially about your mother! but you seem like a person who's very willing to GIVE love. i know that sometimes the most painful thing is when it seems that nobody wants your love, when it's such a good and generous love and you know it could make someone incredibly happy. <br />
<br />
never stop loving. be the sort of person you want to end up with. i have to believe that some very perceptive and wonderful person will, in the end, see the worth in you and give you their love, and it will be all the more precious because of the wait!!

your need for love is like my own~~~you will never be happy until you can actually say, what my parents did has nothing to do with me, the people that love me, love me, you do not need any satisfaction from the outside world until you can say "yeah, my folks were jerks, but there is no manual on life, they did what they knew, and I will be a better person to know how to overcome ther problems.

I think smeone as obviously lov-ing as you is sure to be picked up by a lov-ing partner:)

I can also somehow relate to your story as right now I am single but wants to be loved by someone I love too. I guess that's just the way love goes. You love someone but that someone doesn't feel the same way. Unrequited love is so difficult to deal with. But anyway, I guess there's a reason why when we so much want to be loved, cared for and understood, no one could come up to us and say, "I wanna be THAT person for you." It would be nice to meet that person... someday. Don't worry, it will all be alright... I know it.

I can relate somewhat. My childhood was filled with the basics...just enough to get by, whether it be food, shelter, love, etc. As an adult, I want so desperately to be loved as I love. I want the affection, the gentleness, the complete trust...I guess at least I'm not the only one...take care and don't give up hope.

I love you!!<br />
<br />