Post

A Long Time Coming

"There was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it got even stronger. It said only one thing, I want, I want! And I would ask, 'What do you want?' But this is all it would ever tell me." -- Saul Bellow "Henderson the Rain King"

I've written about this quote before. It haunts me. I have had that voice for a long time, but have never understood what might sate the voice. Why I'm so dissatisfied with everything.

Last night, I was lying in bed, staring at the wall opposite me, thinking. Trying to understand myself. Trying to make sense of the endless circles in my mind. What purpose do things serve in my life? Why am I aching all of the time? I finally understand. I need love.

I have had love. I have had great friendships. And even a decent marriage for big chunks of the last ten+ years. But I was thinking, last night. And remembering my love life. My first fiance was not great. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and left me devastated when I broke it off. When I met my husband, Mr. Glow, I was looking for something different from the other man. No. I wasn't even looking. But I found him. Found kinship of ideas. Music, movies, humor...support for my passions.

I remember a road trip we took to Dallas, TX to see my Aunt Linda. I remember him telling me one night..that he wanted to marry me. I laughed at him. It wasn't the first time he asked. I asked him again that night...why? Why now? Why me? We've barely been dating a month. You don't know me. Don't know anything about me. You're seeing a broken version of the Self I want to be. What is the draw.

I never got a satisfactory answer to that. We married shortly after that. All of the laughter and tears that come with the first couple of years of marriage. But we were working on it. See..I assumed that the love would come. I knew he loved me, sort of. I figured the deeper would come with time. Things were so good with us. He was so laid back, so easy to be with. So supportive. Surely, my heart could pull this along for a while. Everyone just wants to be loved, right? Everyone would blossom if showered with unconditional love.

It didn't happen.

Ten years and two kids later, it hasn't happened. And we are over. Things are finished. I have done the unthinkable and kicked him out.

But the voice in my head...still calls out. Just like Henderson, in the aforementioned book.

What is it that I want? I have asked and asked. I just want to be loved. Really, really loved. I want someone to feel about me the way I feel about him. I want mutual love...

I ache for it.

I have struggled with this for a while now. How can I let him go when I don't stop loving. But then I realized...he left me. A long time ago. Checked out, stopped trying, if he was ever capable in the first place. And I have reached and reached for something I coudln't name. Aching for something to pull me back to stability. It's love.

Real, true love.

I know some are cynics and don't believe in that...but I do.

I believe that there is someone out there who can be to me what I can be to him. And I think it will be amazing.



 

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 60 Responses Apr 10, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

Hi JohnGower - Thanks for the comment...my soul is not crying out for Jesus...Jesus is already in my heart. : )

No...a man cannot fill every need. And what you're saying is good advice, but incomplete. I married my best friend. I married someone I enjoyed being around. What I did not marry is a man who loves the same way I do. Passionate love is only a part of long lasting love...but I am a passionate, incredibly affectionate person, and I crave that in a mate. What I was (and am) missing in my life is that mutual abundant giving of love...It is the way I love someone, and I need that kind of love returned.

Good luck then. I'm rooting for you.

I think that's your soul crying out for Jesus and I don't think any man can fill that void in you. I have a boyfriend who I love with all my heart, and who knows everything about me and lets me get away with anything. My advice to you is to find someone who you can be best friends with and marry him. Passionate love only lasts for so long; what you should be looking for is someone you sincerely enjoy being around and who enjoys being in your company just as much. Also, stop expecting so much and don't use a guy to fill that void in your heart.

I have been teaching a course on love in its various forms for years. May I suggest Marianne Williamson's "Return to Love" and C. S. Lewis' "The Four Loves." I can not answer all your questions in a simple way to fit it all into one post here.<br />
But let me speak about being dissatisfied. There the problem is love of life itself. We live in an age where nothing is sacred. We criticize everything and then toss it out as soon as we find a flaw. <br />
In the end we end up with nothing.<br />
The fact is, we are human beings, and human beings are "broken" from the start. We are not ourselves perfect, yet we set standards so high that we, by nature, can not achieve them.. <br />
Love is one of them.<br />
Don't go looking for the perfect person because there aren't any. But aren't there great people out there with flaws you can live with? <br />
We spend too much time sitting back in judgement of things and other people instead of living life. It is like we are gods or something.<br />
We should let it be, take life as it comes, don't expect anything and you will be delighted with how much good does come your way. <br />
I bid you peace.

Sacred...

This is a word I like...I do hold things sacred, maybe too much so. And when (as you say) no one else does this...I am disappointed.

When I married my ex, I believed my promises....to love, to honor, to cherish...I did my absolute best to keep those vows. To learn to understand him, and give him as much grace as possible. And God bless him, he did the same. We just weren't compatible...

I don't mind flaws...what I NEED is love. As the saying goes - love covers a multitude of sins. I have no problem loving...I have a problem with not being loved the way I need to be loved.

I still have yet to decide if this is a flaw in myself that I need to remedy.

I hope I can help. . . It's not about finding A love. It is about finding Love. . . it's about knowing WHAT love is. I am not talking about physical/sexual attraction. I am speaking of the elements of LOVE. There are certain things that have to be in place in order for love to occur. If they are not there, it can't happen. You can check us out at tgconnection.org Ther is no charge... just find out what LOVE really is.

love is from deeper reals of inner being----most feel the outer shell of physical and misunderstand it for love--but when the skin deep fades we are all miserable---let your soul search--and you will find----there is always some one wh is your soulmate----a soul that loved you more in past lives----yes--find that if you can--lucky are the ones who fing ---most are only fulfilling karmic duties ---cheers---keep smiling---x

I would love to connect with my husband, but we rarely speak to each other unless it is because of need. He usually sleeps, and I just don't have any energy because I am depressed. I would love to find someone to give life meaning. Simply didn't happen because I was trying to work on my marriage for years.

i understand where you re coming from. tho i am young and never been married i've experienced love but a love from someone else. im not even sure im capable of love. i get into relationships thinking that it will come with time. i am a semi-cynic but only thru lack of personal experience. one day we both will find someone to love and it will be mutual :)

Your entry spoke for me. It is a wonderful wish to want to be loved passionately, physically and emotionally. Living on a spot of this planet far away, yet I share your thoughts and feelings, and try to understand myself in a similar way. I think .. it is because life is *short* that the quest for happiness becomes so urgent. Because we know the value of looking back on a fulfilled, joyful existence. It is worth every effort!

Thank you for the sweet comment. : ) This story was almost a year ago. My husband moved out for good a few weeks ago. Scary to start over, yes. But then again -- the dismal idea of never, ever being fulfilled is so defeating. There is nothing to hope for. At least single, there is. <br />
<br />
Marriage is a tricky relationship. There are always times when we don't feel enough, or don't get enough. But there is the moment where you realize that it will never be enough. And loving each other enough to move apart before you kill each others souls.

Awww, :-) And I love you too!!! As far as the summer goes, how weird will it be for your little girl to play in that same playhouse? It's still here! "The Love" is out there, I know. Until it does, I will be just fine, I know. Kisses!!

My Dear Love, <br />
I must say you've made me cry today..... my heart melts when I think of you being confused about your life and loves. I've known you for as long as I can honestly remember. Trust me I don't like to think about the age but remembering that second grade class room where I found my first best friend is one of my most fond memories that I carry with me. I have always told myself that things happen for a reason and I measure things and weigh them when i think I have done wrong in my life but in the end I remember thinking and knowing that...... “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” For the sister I found sitting in the third row of that second grade class room right in front of me I wish you all the love of your life time and I'll be there to hold your hand and wipe your tears when you need me. Life gets fast sometimes and we forget and take forgranted things and even let people slip in and out of our lives but the true friends always find away back when they are needed and its like they never left. So as far as fruit roll ups, beer balls, and peanut butter.... the old doll house we used to play in will be accompanied this summer for some much needed clean up and discussion if need be. For our childhood is where we find the most peace in ourselves because we are care free, and I'm here for you... See you very soon. Love you sis....

ok...lol...got through the comments, ha ha! It's funny. I said I wasn't going to date until after the girls either have a career/education (can stand on their own two feet) as a sort of "you can't date until I date". And if they start hooking me up with someone so they can date, lol, that would be weird. But I figured late forties and fifties. I mean, I want to be in a relationship where I can raise a child together with a loving husband and father. That's the dream. But I don't know. Having my girls now and raising them right, even though it is by myself, that's great too.

I am missing the seven pages of comments but I will go back after I write this. I just want to say this while it's fresh in my mind. omg, yes, it is soooo similar. I experienced an honorable "loyal through the tough times" type of "love" as it were. But it wasn't a type of love that would withhold the down times, the boring times, the times where nothing historically changing would happen. It seems we were bonded together though understanding each other in our trials and tribulations. But for everyday things like a little baby cough, a stressful doctor's appointment, and other day to day things of varying degrees other than a natural disaster, poverty, or wartime...it wasn't there.<br />
<br />
I am understanding our unity was through some sort of traumatic bonding? When we would mutually go through something tough, we knew how to mind read each other and work it out. But one person doing the laundry, the other doing the dishes, or switching off bonding with the kids while the other needs a break...no way. <br />
<br />
And after it's done...yeah...you feel that...you feel how powerful the absence of the love you needed, the love that would have worked things out...how it wasn't there. There's a little bit of some sort of love but not the marital love. The mutual exchange that is refined and learned throughout the relationship, the ever evolving love "shared" between two people. I heard it's hard. I heard it is tough. I heard there's a bit of hurdles to go through to get there. But my...is it worth it. I want that kind of love. I want the "us" as whatever the "us" is whenever it happens to work with me through that kind of love. I think that's why it is called bliss.

See that's the thing...true love, not some idealized substitute...is what we crave. I think we settle too much, or don't really know what we want. Like Aurora Borealis says above. Lots of frog kissing to get there sometimes. But it exists. :)

TMI!

does happy dog dance SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, makes everyone laugh <br />
no harness in the house anymore. Gives treat to self for peace keeping.

*raises eyebrows*

OK... Maybe it's the JD then...

Thank you :) I love hearing stories like that...and you're right. It is about being the right person. I think that is what breaks so many marriages. Expecting the other person to fix your problems. Live and learn and move forward...The only way to live, right?

The only other thing I imbibe on a regular basis is Diet Coke...and that has never been bad before. <br />
<br />
Drat. I was hoping to get a little help in here..

I am simply suggesting that it may be other potent potables that alter your cognitive reasoning... You can't blame it all on JD ya know... Smugit and I are friends... we share a hirsute commonality ....

Would you run that mean monkey off, Smugit, or is that outside your area of expertise?

brings back slippers and sits with you as long as you need me

What are you suggesting?

glowy - Are you sure it's the JD????

I'll agree to that one...Although, JD has influenced some questionable decisions lately..

You meant sipping didn't you??? JD IS the key to staying young and healthy... Tequila is the key to making bad decisions...

Aww..that was almost nice...you're slipping, SailorMonkey.

glowy - you know I head to your threads first... looking for self entertainment.... <br />
*hugs Lady and removes gum wrapper from her hair*

Ana - I'll let you spank the monkey if you want...I'm staying away from that one.<br />
<br />
HS - yes, I did. because you weren't online when I wrote it. And I thought you said JD was the key to staying young and healthy.