A Long Time Coming
"There was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it got even stronger. It said only one thing, I want, I want! And I would ask, 'What do you want?' But this is all it would ever tell me." -- Saul Bellow "Henderson the Rain King"
I've written about this quote before. It haunts me. I have had that voice for a long time, but have never understood what might sate the voice. Why I'm so dissatisfied with everything.
Last night, I was lying in bed, staring at the wall opposite me, thinking. Trying to understand myself. Trying to make sense of the endless circles in my mind. What purpose do things serve in my life? Why am I aching all of the time? I finally understand. I need love.
I have had love. I have had great friendships. And even a decent marriage for big chunks of the last ten+ years. But I was thinking, last night. And remembering my love life. My first fiance was not great. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and left me devastated when I broke it off. When I met my husband, Mr. Glow, I was looking for something different from the other man. No. I wasn't even looking. But I found him. Found kinship of ideas. Music, movies, humor...support for my passions.
I remember a road trip we took to Dallas, TX to see my Aunt Linda. I remember him telling me one night..that he wanted to marry me. I laughed at him. It wasn't the first time he asked. I asked him again that night...why? Why now? Why me? We've barely been dating a month. You don't know me. Don't know anything about me. You're seeing a broken version of the Self I want to be. What is the draw.
I never got a satisfactory answer to that. We married shortly after that. All of the laughter and tears that come with the first couple of years of marriage. But we were working on it. See..I assumed that the love would come. I knew he loved me, sort of. I figured the deeper would come with time. Things were so good with us. He was so laid back, so easy to be with. So supportive. Surely, my heart could pull this along for a while. Everyone just wants to be loved, right? Everyone would blossom if showered with unconditional love.
It didn't happen.
Ten years and two kids later, it hasn't happened. And we are over. Things are finished. I have done the unthinkable and kicked him out.
But the voice in my head...still calls out. Just like Henderson, in the aforementioned book.
What is it that I want? I have asked and asked. I just want to be loved. Really, really loved. I want someone to feel about me the way I feel about him. I want mutual love...
I ache for it.
I have struggled with this for a while now. How can I let him go when I don't stop loving. But then I realized...he left me. A long time ago. Checked out, stopped trying, if he was ever capable in the first place. And I have reached and reached for something I coudln't name. Aching for something to pull me back to stability. It's love.
Real, true love.
I know some are cynics and don't believe in that...but I do.
I believe that there is someone out there who can be to me what I can be to him. And I think it will be amazing.