A Long Time Coming

"There was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it got even stronger. It said only one thing, I want, I want! And I would ask, 'What do you want?' But this is all it would ever tell me." -- Saul Bellow "Henderson the Rain King"

I've written about this quote before. It haunts me. I have had that voice for a long time, but have never understood what might sate the voice. Why I'm so dissatisfied with everything.

Last night, I was lying in bed, staring at the wall opposite me, thinking. Trying to understand myself. Trying to make sense of the endless circles in my mind. What purpose do things serve in my life? Why am I aching all of the time? I finally understand. I need love.

I have had love. I have had great friendships. And even a decent marriage for big chunks of the last ten+ years. But I was thinking, last night. And remembering my love life. My first fiance was not great. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and left me devastated when I broke it off. When I met my husband, Mr. Glow, I was looking for something different from the other man. No. I wasn't even looking. But I found him. Found kinship of ideas. Music, movies, humor...support for my passions.

I remember a road trip we took to Dallas, TX to see my Aunt Linda. I remember him telling me one night..that he wanted to marry me. I laughed at him. It wasn't the first time he asked. I asked him again that night...why? Why now? Why me? We've barely been dating a month. You don't know me. Don't know anything about me. You're seeing a broken version of the Self I want to be. What is the draw.

I never got a satisfactory answer to that. We married shortly after that. All of the laughter and tears that come with the first couple of years of marriage. But we were working on it. See..I assumed that the love would come. I knew he loved me, sort of. I figured the deeper would come with time. Things were so good with us. He was so laid back, so easy to be with. So supportive. Surely, my heart could pull this along for a while. Everyone just wants to be loved, right? Everyone would blossom if showered with unconditional love.

It didn't happen.

Ten years and two kids later, it hasn't happened. And we are over. Things are finished. I have done the unthinkable and kicked him out.

But the voice in my head...still calls out. Just like Henderson, in the aforementioned book.

What is it that I want? I have asked and asked. I just want to be loved. Really, really loved. I want someone to feel about me the way I feel about him. I want mutual love...

I ache for it.

I have struggled with this for a while now. How can I let him go when I don't stop loving. But then I realized...he left me. A long time ago. Checked out, stopped trying, if he was ever capable in the first place. And I have reached and reached for something I coudln't name. Aching for something to pull me back to stability. It's love.

Real, true love.

I know some are cynics and don't believe in that...but I do.

I believe that there is someone out there who can be to me what I can be to him. And I think it will be amazing.



 

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow
31-35, F
58 Responses Apr 10, 2010

Lady - SO happy to have company down here in the gutter...<br />
:o)P*

glowy-Did you REALLY think this thread was "gutter safe"??? Somehow it's still seems funny to me....<br />
dest-You should maintain ... now that you have given up the tequila....

Lauren - I'll make that promise to you!<br />
<br />
HS - That wasn't funny the first time you said it, and it still isn't. :P<br />
<br />
Des - I'd say we need to punish him, but I think he'd enjoy it too much.

I heard the original quote was much more entertaining...<br />
<br />
"There was a disturbance in my pants, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want,....."<br />
<br />
:o)P*

My eyes are showing about as much as yours :-P

I don't know, Des. I've always heard that you should never trust a man who won't show his eyes...

I don't think either one of you have anything to worry about. :-)

lol. me too!!

My aunt was in her mid fifties when she met her love...they're still disgustingly happy 11 years later..don't give up hope, Des...

Thanks, Frito. :) I have love, it's just not The Love. I am not really bummed..I think that understanding what I'm missing, what I've been missing for so long is a good thing. Learning not to settle anymore.

It doesn't seem right that you don't have love now. It's a wonderful post. I hope you find the kind of love you deserve without waiting too much longer.

Not too late for you either!

I will, Ana. Just give me time...<br />
<br />
Are these dog treats or people treats?

No sigh, (invisible) Des. It's never too late, right?<br />
<br />
*Opens bag of treats and offers one to Smugit* And no true love of mine would boot a puppy out of the way. :)

brings bag of treats over and sits and waits with you till your true love comes and boots me out of the way. till then I am all fur really but all ears and paws too if you need em!

:) Scooby. <br />
<br />
evalt - I agree...I wouldn't do anything differently. I guess I'm just defining something that has been missing in my life.

You said "I have had love. I have had great friendships". Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. My dad used to say that.

Thank you and its like I've said before; you tend to bring out the best in people, me included.

Aww, Scooby. You are like that. You are one of the most giving people I know. At least to me...you have been there through some of the hardest times I have had to go through as an adult. With laughter and support, and some of the best advice ever. You're there...selfless isn't all inclusive. It's just understanding when others need something more than you. And you have that. I have seen it in how you deal with your wife, me, and so many others. you rock. (I know, I keep saying that..)

Maybe Henderson didn't have to go to Africa to find what he was looking for. Or maybe he did have to go to Africa to realize he didn't have to go. The people I can admire are the people who... they give because they want to. Because its who they are. They give selflessly and unconditionally. I'm not like that I know. Sometimes, I feel like I am. However briefly. From what I see, I believe you are pretty unconditional in your support and love and friendship. Karma. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.....

So what happens when all the givers start giving up on the takes and hook up with other givers? Is that like, natural selection in love?

I missed your comment, Luv! Oopsie. Yes. I think it will happen. Or I will not stop until it does, anyway. We all deserve that, I think.

I just don't understand how all the givers I know ended up with the people we did. It's just such a waste. It will come to you, geetarman. You're one of the good ones, for sure.

When the time is right it will happen Glowy. You deserve true love. I understand what you are saying. {{Hugs}}

No. My aunt found hers in her late fifties..she's the happiest person I know now. In her sixties. I hope I don't have to wait that long, mind...but.

I haven't yet. Niether should you.

Thanks, Brut. Never give up, right?

it is possible-I hope it all works out for you glowie.