I Think Ive Lost Myself

Hey all, Well my name is Beau and im 19 years old.

I feel as if i dont know myself anymore.It's like when somebody tells you to be yourself, I don't know how. Who I truely am seems to fall away from me more and more each day. I have bipolar disorder and i suffer from major depression and anxiexty. Im also engaged at the age of 19 yes maybe its a bit to early. Im on some medication but that doesnt help me at all. Ive changed medications like 3 times. Anyway back to my problem. As im losing myself and who I am, its destroying my relationship. I seem moody alot and cant seem to do anything right. Also Its wrecking my social life and my sex life. I have no more confidence or self esteem. I cant even go out in public without haveing panic attacks. I feel so worthless. I just want to be me again. I dont want to lose my fiancee because my problems are getting worse. I dont know what to do. I am currently seeking help, which by the way doesnt help me at all. This is my first time posting something like this so please dont be judgemental on me. I am hoping that there is someone that can relate to me or give me some advice. I also suffer from racing thoughts, which i dont know how many people know what that is. Anyway these racing thoughts are making me feel bad things and think bad things and i cant control them. My sleeping Pattern and eating pattern are all screwed. I JUST WANT TO BE ME AGAIN.  But its so hard. This tears me up inside.

 

Beau

beau1991 beau1991
18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 8, 2010

I have a cousin who you sound a lot like. He was engaged, too and was getting worse. Only it turned out he was gay and shouldn't have been engaged to a woman. He got better after they broke up and he came out of the closet. Maybe there is something in you that you haven't admitted to? Not necessarily being gay, but maybe something else. For me it was that I was born a boy and needed to be a girl. I had my Big Op five years ago at 18 and now I am the happiest girl on Earth.<br />
Somewhere in there you need to find you for YOU and nobody else. Once you find who you are and get happy with YOU, then you can think of being with someone else in life.

You are doing the right thing getting help. <br />
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I have a support network in place to help me when things are really bad. They are my friends and all of them are wonderful. They don't try to solve my problems but just listen to me ramble on until I calm down. <br />
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Also you should talk to your fiancee about this when you are calm. It's very important that she understands what is going on so that she can be supportive. <br />
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It's hard but you can get through it