Jesus, God, Faith, And The Worst Agnostic Ever

I grew up in a terrible home. Abuse left and right. I grew bitter. Faithful to my agnostic faith, however. Made friends, had violent thoughts, been to the psychiatrist in an emergency, hallucinated, attempted suicide, felt possessed by demons, had good, god experiences, and thought i was a psychic. 


Today, my best friend emailed me telling me that she thinks I am controlled by evil things. I spent most of my life up until tonight denying any existence, god and evil, alike-but what she told me scared me. And i couldn't shake it. and i usually can.  I've been having a tough time lately. What I believed, was that God doesn't exist, Humans aren't just monkeys with artistic talent- but now, i think we very well could be spiritual beings. who really do need spirituality. Do animals get spiritual? i don't know. But i do know now, that sometimes, just sometimes, God tells you what you need to hear. And i needed to be told what to do. I needed to be told that my life sometimes, just sometimes, is completely and totally not in my hands. it's like, i know what i want to do, but i just couldn't do it. I was taking too long. I was feeling depressed, and more and more bitter. 


I didn't believe in God for a very long time, only the balance of life. but now, i truly think that (hey maybe i should worship that, but personify it). I used to think "god" was just the way the world works, only personified, since that was humans usually do. They personify everything. If there is a rustle in the bushes, it must be a ghost. But it's just the wind. So i tried to take my human spark out of the way i looked at things. and i tell you, after a while, i realized that I do need some sort of God sometimes. now my faith is stronger. 

giggle3bubbles giggle3bubbles
18-21, F
Mar 15, 2010