Why I'm Not Girly.

I grew up in the rich neighborhood, but I wasn't rich I just had a big family. From ages 7-15, to have friends I had to fit a very specific mold. The popular pretty girls liked me because I was nice and fun and funny and we all grew up together. But, I couldn't afford the trips, the clothes, or the accessories. When Doc sandals and long tube socks were popular, I got the Half Price Store version. It plagued me. I was a happy kid, but I along with others were tormented by the more cruel of the rich and popular. I fell into the dark side of youth, turning my nose at all the extras my parents provided, simply because I deemed them not up to standard with what Aly Gill and Katie Kellogg were wearing. Those girls were hard on my psyche. As I got older and found my own voice, I discovered how little I thought of those hurtful girl and the negative impact I had allowed them to have on my self esteem. I retaliated. Sweats, cropped hair, loud attitude, and ***** were always my game; and that side ran rampant the rest of highschool and in to college. Two years ago, after a messy breakup, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. Why wasn't I sexy? Why wasn't I desired? Why wasn't I sought after at least as much as the vapid socialites whose depth was more shallow than a bum's puddle of **** on the sidewalk? Why, after all these years, did I still see myself as LESS THAN those very girls I pittied? After much discussion with my best friend, I realized my association. Popular pretty made up girls meant shallow/bad/no one I'd like to be. What's the opposite of that? Educated, sincere, raw, ME. But, I had missed some major pieces. Rather than vow to be sincere and self-actualized... I wound up being brash and quite rough around the edges. I know now that I need to meld both sides together, and that my feminine side does not equal weakness or lack of depth. I'm just struggling with what my own girly femininity entails.
mcmermand mcmermand
Jul 19, 2010