You Always Had To Have The Last Word. Well, Now It's My Time.

Dear Daddy:

My final days are marked with pain
because you exploited my pain for your own gain

You tore me apart by your words
But it was like being stabbed with endless swords

You sucked all the meaning out of every thing
So you could come off looking like a king

Your ego is so big and wide
That I think it gave you pleasure to see your children cry

You ain't no man of honor, I'm not a fool
You think your cruelty is mega cool

You helped reduce me to nothing cause you couldnt face YOU
And I'm telling you that just because no one else knew

You were so wrong in so many ways
And I'm finally taking you on and saying it wasn't okay

How dare you treat me like that and call yourself a man
If you had any decency, you would have faced it and not ran

That's right, you heard me
You just could not stop and let me be

How dare you, monster, question my sanity
When the doctors should have taken you away, without the removal fee

Calling me useless and a piece of sh**
It was I who had to suffer through Your illogical fits

You had a responsibility and you got an F
For being so blind and utterly deaf

Who the f*** do you think you are
To imply that I didn't have what it took to go far

Well, I'm telling you, you sick f****
I have gone far, despite your muck

Looks are deceiving and you prove that mighty fine
But let this be a powerful sign

What you took away cannot be given back
But when it's all said, it's You who lacks

I never had a chance at a normal life because of what you did
How dare you do that to your own kid

There are things that I still want to do and say
But I cannot find the words even to this day

There are people who did more for me than you ever did
And that's coming from your useless, stupid kid

I've yearned to break free from your bondage chains
But all I ever achieve is pain after pain

Well, I'm not the mental one here
And yet being described as one brings me unlimited tears

I cannot just get up and speak
Because you, like many others, just see me as weak

I deserved better and you know it too
You were the grownup but you never did what you had to do

I banish you from my life forever
The ties that bind are completely severed

I never met a family who was so like this
What it is to be loved, I will always miss

I'm pained beyond repair
Because you did not handle me with the utmost care.
==========================================
You got your F for many reasons. Among such, you didn't teach me how to love, how to have compassion, how to give something of myself 'just because', how to have confidence, how to be strong, how to believe in myself. You didn't give me any good examples of love. You cared solely about yourself and your own needs. You cared about what was important to you. You never listened to your own child. You never took the time to KNOW your child. You never took the time to hear your child. I don't know how you interpret love, but you got it all WRONG. I wasn't your possession, I wasn't put here to follow in your footsteps. When I look at how others have treated me my entire life, I know that you did not equip me right. You didn't protect me from harm, you didn't stand up for me, you never once came to me and just listen; we never had an intelligent conversation. You always had to put me down and degrade me. Now as I contemplate my last days here on earth, I want you to know it's you who has given me dishonor. I put up with this awful self-indulged family who cared more about what others thought than what their own daughter was going through. Do you even know the pain I suffered? You caused plenty of my suffering, but I never felt free until the day you died. I was your prisoner, you kept me enslaved for years. You said it yourself. You knew I had suffered, yet where was the help? why didn't it ever arrive? How f****** dare you put me through that torment as a child, and call yourself a loving father. You couldn't face YOU. And no matter what you did do right here on earth, what you did wrong, is so much more pronounced.

Because of you, Father, I never lived. I never loved. I never experienced. Because of you, Father, I will die not ever being the person that I was meant to be. Because of you, Father, I am forever distant from everyone, forever not a part of anything. Because of you, Father, I am a lost soul. Despite you weren't nearly the only one that caused me permanent damage and pain, it is both your actions and inactions that have made me incapable of ever recovering.
deleted deleted
26-30
31 Responses Dec 3, 2012

Very sad story

Please change the last line

I don't believe it is true :)

Just small ways, small steps ..can change our view .. so totally :)

first off..beautifully written and such an impact of emotion.
But why would you allow him to have the last laugh? you still got breath, you got the chance to change you, into you!!!
much love

I know this well!!! you much light around you

hey there I can relate to your story-i hated my dad he was a tyrant. Yet I made the effort to embrace him with tears one day, before which I took back my powerby smashing up the house. People will displace their **** if they can on the weak its how it is-unless you dont allow them. I didnt then i forgave my dad wanted to love him and it short circuited him over years I stood up for myself and now w ehave a godo rel-I thought impossible. He now supports me-even though so bad at emotions. It was asuccess. I am tired of life though I struggle through oit all time..i wish I could let go of my fears and live more-odl habits die hard

Wow,you have a way with words. It's a shame you're father couldn't of lived to read this. But from how he is described it doesn't seem like it would of mattered. I can't begin to imagine what things your father put you thru. But your still here your still alive. Your a survivor. Don't allow him to take anymore of your life then he already has. Your far stronger then you know. God bless you.

So sorry to hear this. May God heal and bless your soul. I think really there should be karma coming to and forth. Good will be repay with good and evil with evil.

this is sad but io many caises the fakt am sorry well writen and beautifully sed thanks fore sharing

Thank you for sharing your story. I have gone through hell too with my father. I will call him father for that reason and not dad.

Yes indeed. It took a while for me to look to the future without dwelling on the past. Forgetting can only take place once forgiveness is completed. So that is where I am at the moment. It is in process.

You are not alone. This canker needs to be got rid off so that we can get on with our lives. Cannot let it ruin our future.

I also had troubles with my father. I just feel bad knowing others have gone through similar, if not worse experiences. I love everything about this! :)

I agree. Kudos on the capable fathers :)

I would hope that one day i get the carriage to tell this to my father. Their is a lot i don't agree about when we was growing up, almost all that you have mentioned, it felt like what i would like to say without altering a word. Many thanks

Love yourself.

No such thing as incapable of recovering. God wants our experience. He sets no limit and the experience can be of any nature, no judgement. That you experience is your humanity. Feel it fully. Give it back. Be free.

Fantastic you put it wonderfully. Now put it behind you and go be who you want to be. He no longer has any control over you. You can be happy dear. Your life is your choice now not his. After this his words no longer have any meaning.

Man I wish the one who hurt me was still alive so I could steal this and send it to him.

We'll never be what we could have been.
...But I'm figuring out that if you can learn to love yourself, that gives you the strength to overcome anything.

Please forgive me for angering you ( if I do ) by saying this...That is a choice you're making.
Not that choosing to fight on and not kill myself doesn't have a lot of pain attached, but there are good days now, I'm glad to still be here.

...I'm 40, BTW, and still getting better. Had a breakdown in 2010-2011. Two years ago I would have said ending it all was probably a good idea.

...I don't know the reality of your situation...and I know homelessness sucks.
We don't get rescuers, nope.
Any chance of getting disability for mental illness?
It's your right to give up on yourself, and I can't do anything about it anyway.
...I just hate it when abusers win and get us to self-destruct, is all. It seems so damn unfair when we (the abused) die for someone else's sins. Life isn't fair, and everyone has to die sometime.
I'm wishing you the best of luck, though.

Sorry... lots to say but it's better I don't.
Peace,
Gene

Wow, very powerful. Good work. Took me back to my childhood.

I cannot read some of it as it causes much emotion.

I think we had the same father. I really do. I bet you are as strong as me. We are indestructible.

You don't have to forgive him, but accept the world and what has happened to you. Accept it for what it is. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future for the better. I wish the best of luck to you!

Your welcome

holding grudge against ur father will cause u a lot of pain once he dies , forgive him and move on ^^ after all he's your father even if he showed u only his bad side he still loves u more than anyone does

i'm so sorry u had to endure all of this , i just hope that u won't feel guilty for u haven't given him a second chance :/

consider him as a father who had some psychological issues , making u suffer was his only way to manifest them though he shouldn't make u feel this way :/ i know exactly how u feel

Take comfort, in knowing that you are greater than even, you know. This is so beautifully written and so raw. Love that little girl when no one else did. Embrace that little girl and tell her how great she really is. Please love her....you so deserve more that you were given!!! Fight because you want to win, not for anyone else!!!

And she still does, and if she dares to dream bigger than was allowed, ever, she will get it! You still deserve all things great!!! Settle for nothing else....be the parent you never had, cherish you and love you. Please.

I found a lot of strength years ago, upon realizing no one's judgment matters, except my own. You can walk away from anyone but yourself. If you want, you can find strength in a loving relationship by knowing you can walk away. They have to love you, for you. If not, just walk away. You need nothing in this world but confidence in you being you. Confidence in you doing other things comes from being sure of who you are and what you're about. Just be honest, always. If they don't like what you say or feel, **** em. They should respect and appreciate that you know you aren't here to fit their "ideal" bubble. You're here for you. There are people out there who are true. They are just far and few between. Time is precious. Get some enjoyment out of your life. You're entitled to it, especially since the beginning of yours sucked because of some *******.

I am glad that you wrote about your feelings.Yes you do deserve both happiness and peace, You have many friends here at Ep, We are here for you to lean on when you are feeling not so strong, we will rejoice with you as your strength returns and as peace and happiness comes into your life.
Blessed Be

Leaving This World will gain you Nothing. Do you wish to get back at your Father by Ending your own life? You will be throwing away ANY chance of happiness you will ever Have. Happiness does not come on a Schedule, You can't Blame your Lack of Happiness on Others. You have to stick around and Pay the Price ,and Your Reward WILL come. When you least Expect it. Best Wishes. :)

my drear onward(out) My heart cries for you, for I know of what you speak, You have been though so much, I am not trying to push anything onto you, just saying what helped me these last 10 yrs, I am 62, 10 yrs ago I started a jurnal, wrote everything I felt. then checked out My roots which are steeply set in Wicca.(pagan religion) also got involved with a group of people who have gone throught the same thing as I, also joined a crisses help line, But what helped me the most is my journey in Wicca, also 4 yrs ago I met a wonderful man on the internet who has helped me alot and who is my best friend and now my husband. If you want to chat some time, any time I am here for you.
I wish you all the very best in life for you truely deserve it, You are a strong and giving lady. Never doubt that for a moment
Blessed Be
Misty

I relate to your pain...I grew up in an emotionally distant family, and endured physical and emotional abuse. I hated my mother for 18 years before I was able to come to terms with her psychoses. You have to learn how to let go of that anger to be the person you want to be. You are smart, I can see by your writings. If you don't want to divulge why you think you are ugly or explore how to get past it publicly, find someone you can trust to explore your emotions and message them, or find a therapist or counselor. You can have a friend for the asking..would you be so harsh on another person?

I am so sorry that you had to endure so much pain from the person who should have sheltered and protected you. Any form of abuse is truly barbaric and causes so much damage. No one can truly understand that intensity of it all unless they too have walked in your shoes. I have my friend and feel your pain. You story is so well written and it takes so much courage to find the right words. May peace be with you always.

Can't respond.

Wow...I hate that.

Find your love in God and don't let this toxicity of your past pull you away from him. Begin a new day with the past far behind you. Experience this world with new eyes and don't let the devil remind you of your past. Its time to learn boundaries some of which involve you pushing what is above away for good. Give it up to God and let him hold you. I will pray for you everyday no matter what. Remember no man can take your soul, no man holds that power

We live with our pain years on end. It is high time we send it back to the giver.. return to sender..sounds good.

:)

sure does, sound great

A very sad but a very brave narrative. You are a great warrior with such a caring soul. May God bless you and fill your life with eternal happiness!!!!

speechless.....

i can not find any words to describe my feelings....

but i must say... you are the most strongest, bravest, sensible and miraculous person i have ever meet....

the things you are doing takes lots of courage and power....

May the Lord of universe give you More and More and MORE... in every feild.... in every place .... in every minute....

my heart is weeping from inside right now.... i wish, those fathers/mothers who are giving hard time to their own childrens could ever be read that story and rectify themselves ...... i wish and pray your story can save those innocents who are still suffering....

This is so touching. You have gone through immense pain. I feel for you lady. Hope things do change.

EP give us that little window where we can just get away from it all. Just to unload ourselves as we are.