Faith And AcceptanceI did not have an easy life. I left home very young, at only 13. I have experienced abuse and neglect and violence. And I grew with hate and immense anger at everybody. I believed the world owed me something, and if I could get it easier by being sneaky, then that's what I'd do. In my teen years I moved around Australia, from State to State, trying to 'find' myself, trying so hard to be tough so I didn't look as terrified as I really was. Now that I'm older I look back and see the pieces as they came together, bringing me to where I am now. But it's been a long journey.
I believed that my drug addiction, which was fierce for 20 years, was a result of the hurt and the damage from when I was young and so I somehow thought it shouldn't be up to me to sort it out. Not that I consciously thought that, but in retrospect, I realize that's what was going on inside my head. I wanted and expected someone else to 'save' me. Every wrong thing I did, I kind of excused, because I had been hurt. I went to jail, twice, and I guess that was the real beginning of me opening my eyes and taking responsibility. I had had children by then, and although I think I was a very good parent in many ways, more so than other addicts, I had still abandoned my children while I was in prison and I owed it to them to change my life. So really, my children saved me. I had to become accountable, face the truth and put in the effort to change, but they were the catalyst. God bless their hearts.
What I have finally come to see, these many years later, is that change occurs while you're not looking. Meaning, it is happening within us all the time, while we are busy getting on with our lives. And often, it is as a result of things, that we would never have credited as being life changing. Many times through misfortune. The ex
Without realizing it, I spent so much time, wishing for more. More money so I could buy better things. A better home, a better TV, a better car. Until, I recognized that I had so much already to be grateful for. I knew all this on a head/intellectual level, but never really 'felt' it before. I was so lucky to have my children. I was so lucky they were healthy and I was healthy. I had a home and every thing I needed. I had many things I didn't need. I was quite literally wasting minutes, hours, days months, years of my life not being happy, because I was focused on what I "could" have. Not what I did have. My God I am one of the luckiest people alive. That doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that I now accept that when my car breaks down, or I lose a friend, or some other difficulty arises, I remind myself to accept the situation with the faith, that before long, it would all be okay again. And then get on with it. Remind myself that there is a reason for every single thing and that I have always survived my problems and I will continue to survive them.
Acceptance of what is, and the faith that it will all be okay. Knowing this has allowed me a happiness I once thought impossible. It's a "different" kind of happy too. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression and have been so depressed in the past that I have been suicidal. It doesn't get more un-happy than that. However, now when I recognize the old negativity and anxiety, my attitude to it is different. I acknowledge that just because I have bad thoughts, I do not have to accept them as true or real. I don't fight them though. I simply let them come and go while maintaining the knowledge that I am incredibly fortunate and I am and always will be, okay. I do not allow myself to have arguments inside my own head about why I feel like this or why can't I feel or do such and such. I simply accept that I will be okay. Under no circumstances no matter what happens, will I NOT be okay. Even if I were to die, it would be okay. Because I have faith that there are reasons for everything and I accept it.
I am so grateful to God? Or the Universe. Whoever or whatever it is that suddenly and inexplicably throws the strangest things into our path so that we learn the lessons we need to learn. I believe we have to make our own choices, but I also believe that there are times the "universe" intervenes. The coincidences and remarkable things that happen to us that alter our course or lead us in a certain direction. Between that higher power, and our own will, we determine the outcome of our lives. Now I have complete faith that whatever that outcome will be, is the right one for me. Just like yours is for you.
Talking about the universe intervening, I feel like I have finally come full circle from back when I was 16 and I stumbled across an old bookshop in Fitzroy in Melbourne and read a poem on a poster in the window. That poem was Desiderata and it made a really strong impression on me. It is a poem I have read and re-read many times over the years and although I understood it to a certain point, I never understood it as well as I do now. Reading that poem was no accident, and by choice and also by interventions I have come to a time in my life where I am living my life by the principles of that poem.
Whoever reads this, I hope you are not far away from the same stage in your life. Something brought you to this page, so perhaps acceptance and faith is something you need to be thinking about right now. Read the poem Desiderata. Start your journey toward happiness. Life is too short to waste on anything else. With much love and complete faith,
WolvesCry2 ;-) what a beautiful world it is.............
wolvescry2 36-40, F 4 Responses 7 Jun 1, 2011