Living inside a prison I've created

I cant say that I'm completely changed or that i have everything worked out or that I'm fixed, healed...whatever. I'm not a model for healthy ...presentation of ones self to the world??

however you would word it-i don't think I'm there yet (whatever 'there' means) but i feel like I'm getting better.

 

In my junior year of high school..it kinda hit me all at once....i became instantly self aware. I was watching this kid sitting across the room from me and i realized i was watching him. and the feeling of watching someone is ...kinda shameful i think. it feels wrong...  so i started the long process of examining my thoughts about this kid and began to think about myself, thinking about watching him. so there i was in my own mind when he suddenly looked straight at me.

and, you know the feeling when the person your watching catches you watching them? it kinda feels, for a second, like the two of you are the only ones in the room, and, its embarrassing...for some reason. and thats when i thought-maybe he's just as aware of everything and..all this as i am.

from that point on(and its been about a year) i've felt the need to hide from others, parts of myself that i think they might be as aware of, as i am. my faults, my flaws... my insecurities.

i think its a way of protecting myself, but i think im getting...slowly, better. more on this in another post :]

beyondfear beyondfear
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I understand what you mean by "idealistic" version of a "real" person - because sometimes I think to myself how much better the world would be if everyone wasjust "real." No fronts, no pretences, just being relaxed with each other. Don't discount it as unreal though - I think it's good to aim to be like that with others :)

*relief* yes i know what you mean. i agree with you and, yeah theres alot of wisdom in what you say...i think i have this idealistic idea of what someone 'real' would be like..but im starting to think im closer than i thought i was...despite my ridiculously high standards of myself<br />
im glad your getting better too :]

I agree that putting on a front is not very healthy. I know because I've been there and done that. Even now, when I'm being "real," when I have to deal with all the situations that life throws at me. So yeah, I try to be true to myself, but that's also hard to keep up because if I was my true self all of the time, I would end up getting hurt and although you get closer to people by being 'real,' the world at large can't interact with you, or at least it's harder like what you said. For example, at social occations, you have to put up a front of some kind - or maybe that's just me.<br />
I find myself getting slowly better too I guess...

hmm...but what im wondering, is if presenting a 'front' is the only way to relate to the world at large. Is it healthy? with the alternative being...i guess, reacting with yourself fully in the present? besides being 'real' all it does is make you more vulnerable to criticism and pain...<br />
<br />
whichever the case- im already doing this(the latter) and i've found that i just have to trust people. so maybe...i dunno there are mean people out there..

No, I do understand you. I think most all people, or at least most people have this feeling to some extent. Everyone creates an exterior to protect themselves - it's inevitable.

i added to it. does that help? its hard to describe...ugh the unarticulation kills me!

"and thats when i thought-maybe he's just as aware of ..all this as i am." - what do you mean by this?<br />
But I kinda understand you on the rest. About feeling better in your own skin. That's like me :)

Nice name.<br />
Yes, more! more!<br />
=)