Turbulence Made Me Realize Something A Couple Days Ago...

Apparently the reason I like to put myself in dangerous or risky situations, such as running into incoming traffic, is because I like to be "saved." It makes me feel cared for when someone sees me being stupid and pushes me out of the way or yanks me off the street in an attempt to save my life. I like when someone grabs me and then starts to harshly tell me, "What do you think you're doing?! If I weren't here, you could have been killed! What were you thinking?!" because if they're saying all of that, that means they must be angry and if they are angry, that must mean I really frightened them and if I really frightened them, that must mean they don't want me dead and if they don't want me dead, then they must care about me. I mean, they did push me out of the way, right? Why would they do it if they could give a **** less if I get myself hurt or not? They could have just let the scenes unfold, but they chose to protect me and save my life. And I realized deep down inside, that's what I always want with everything.

Were I to swallow some pills in an attempt to commit suicide, I want someone to find me, stick their fingers (or a spoon or something) down my throat while I'm laying unconscious (or conscious) and force me to throw them up in an attempt to save my life.

And likewise, if I'm at the beach, I would go farther than I know I would be able to handle without knowing how to swim and allow myself to drown so someone nearby can notice and rescue me. Or I'd pretend to "fall" in a lake when I know there are people around who will witness the scene and wait for someone to dive in and retrieve me. What can I say? I love being saved. It makes me feel loved.

I know I'm a bit twisted in the things I do to achieve something I want or need, but at least I can admit that and don't try to deny it, right? At least I can be honest about it...
deadmoon deadmoon
22-25, F
3 Responses Sep 12, 2012

You want to be saved

But you wouldn't do reckless stuff with me :)

you worry me sometimes O.o

I'm glad to hear it. :)