I Have Never Told This To Anyone.

it was just a normal night in with me and my boyfriend, watching tele and eating junk food.
we have never done anything in the sexual nature, just kiss.
we have been together nearly 7 months, and i know you are probably thinking oh god.
But, i guess i'm just nervous about this sort of thing, i'm shy so for me it is difficult.
i know he wants it, but he told me he would wait untill im ready, which i love him for.
but, on this night, noone was in.
it was going normal as it always does, nice atmosphere. then, he told me to come upstairs and watch some tele there coz it would be moore comfortable, so i did thinking nothing of it.
so for about half and hour we just did that, watched tele blah blah blah.
Then, he started to kiss me, in intensified more and more over the mintues.
it was great, i loved kissing him like that, but he started to put his hands down my pants, i was very nervous.
i wanted to move and say not yet, but his mouth was pushing me into the bed, i couldnt move.
he then "fingered" (i hate this expression) me, but because he was being so rough, it hurt.
romantic? not in the slightest.
he then indid my pants even though i was telling him no, not yet.
he held me down with a lot of force, i was nearly in tears!
he put his penis into my mouth, and forced it in, i felt sick and horribly dirty.
it was disgusting.
then, he entered me.
i've never felt pain like it, i was screaming and hitting him telling him to get off me.
did he listen? no, he carried on whilst i was lying in a pool of blood!
after about 5 minutes he jumped off me and ran to the toilet, i lay there sobbing, dirty and afraid.
i could hardly breath, i felt violated and hurt, the boy i loved just did that to me, i thought i was dreaming. i hoped i was dreaming :/
he came back in, gave me a towel and just sat there and stared at me for ages.
he then said he was going the shop, so about 5 mintues after he left, i ran home, crying.
i told my mum, she was hugging me and telling me it would be ok.
once my dad found out, he wanted to kill him, rip him to pieces.
but i told him not too, that he is obviously not worth it.
a few years later, i bumped into him in a shop, he looked at me which sheer guilt.
he knew what he had done, what he had lost.
but it didn't even matter, i am happy with my new boyfriend who ive been with 2 years next month, i love him so much.
the first time i had sex with him i told him i was a virgin, i didn't even want to think or even count that experience as my first.
i'm in love, and im happy.
our sex lives couldn't be better, it feel so right with him.

even though the titles suggests i haven't told anyone, i did tell my parents.
i had to, i was crying that much, and in that much pain that i did not even care!
yes, you could call this rape, and it is.
i just thought i would tell someone, im alone and thought about this experience the other day and sobbed to myself for hours thinking how could i have been so silly!
thankyou for reading, comment and add as friend.
thanks guys, much love xxxx
isabellaring isabellaring
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 9, 2010

You were raped. It may not yet have sank in. You sound like you are still in a denial phase. Going through similar myself I would like to say it is very important to talk with someone you trust and be able to share what you have been through. Find what works for you but do not deny how you feel. I would be happy to talk with you and share my experiences with you if you would like.

I agree with BB... sorry hun, but you were raped and this is still causing you great pain. i hope you can talk to a professional about this and get it all out there. what this guy did was unforgiveable and you're allowed to be upset that this happened to you. you are innocent, this was not your fault. i wish i could give you a great big hug, i'm so sorry.