Because I Really Can't Be Anything Or Anyone Else

As much as people say they like individuality and differences, it is not really true. People like people that are just like everyone else they know. They want people to behave in ways they expect them to and often have trouble with people who don't fit certain stereotypes. It took a long time for me to understand and come to terms with this. When I was younger I thought that I was too quiet, so I tried to be more out going, I thought I did not dress well enough, so I went to great lengths to dress really well, the same was true for my hair, wearing make up, having curves and so on.

I tried to become what people wanted me to be, I stopped giving my opinion on things, because they were too different and they made people uncomfortable, I did as I was told, even if I did not agree with it, I became more 'feminine' so that guys were not too intimidated, I toned down my sexuality as it made some uncomfortable, I tried not to act too 'black' or too 'white', I watched all those stupid shows because everyone else watched them. In short I became this odd version of myself that I no longer recognized and it exhausted me.

Eventually it occurred to me that it did not really matter what others wanted me to be, I really could only be one thing, myself! And to be honest, even if I made others uncomfortable, I actually really like myself. There were behaviors that I decided I no longer wanted to have and so those I got rid of, but I became authentically and completely myself again. I am opinionated, I don't pretend to be stupid anymore and I don't care if I am a clutz every now and then. I don't wear makeup, high heels or fancy dresses because I love to be comfortable, although I enjoy dressing up every now and then.

I enjoy my sexuality and am not ashamed of it, as it is part of who I am. You can judge me for it, but that is your problem not mine as I find sex to be something wonderful and to be savored like a fine wine. I love the way my body looks, even though it is not Hollywood perfect, it is mine and I love all the curves and imperfections that decorate it.

So I don't want to be loved despite who I am, or for the one I love to try and change me into some image in his mind of me, I will only accept one who loves me for who I am, imperfections and all, because of them not despite them.