Almost Lust.

There is no point wanting to be somebody else. It is never going to happen, not ever.

You can change your name, you can change your face these days, but, deep down, you're still the same person you were last time you looked.

Yet it still doesn't stop me wanting it. I pine over it. The need to be somebody else. somebody worthwhile. Somebody worth saving. Somebody worth the oxygen they are devouring.

Rather than wanting to be somebody else, I need to be focusing on changing my inner self, my own moralities. But that is easier said than done. I have no idea where to start because I don't know myself.

And why don't I know myself? That's because I have spent so long wanting to be somebody else. So long spent lusting over the want to be somebody else means that I wake up to the realisation that I am somebody else. All of a sudden you are this person who has been alive for 20 years with nothing to show for it. Nothing, nothing at all. All because you spent your entire life under the impression that you are not good enough for this world.

Is it our fault? Are we defective in some way? Is it only us that are to blame for our own self-suffering? Why do we continue to do nothing about it?

Maybe that is exactly who I am? Maybe this realisation is what I was waiting for? Am I somebody else?

Subjugate Subjugate
22-25, M
8 Responses Mar 9, 2010

You're the first person I've found in a while who put this feeling so perfectly into words. I didn't think there was anyone else who felt this way. I'm still struggling with the same thoughts so I don't have a lot to offer, but just know that you're not alone in this.

Yes, I agree, every step of the way. So often all we can do is change our attitudes about situations. But that, in itself, changes the situation and allows blessings to pour forth (or so it seems).

Maybe with accepting yourself just as you are, is to accept your current circumstances dealt to you in this life, making the best of it and not just looking to "greener grass".

I spent the biggest part of my life trying to "perfect" myself. Strangely, now that I am more used up than ever before, I realize that all I ever had to do was accept myself - just as I am in the moment.

It's not true that you are not good enough for this world. It's this world that is not good enough for you. Admit it, this world really sucks ;)

I know the feeling

Up until about a week ago, this is how I have felt my whole life.<br />
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My story "I have been Alive..."<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Think-Something-Has-Changed-But-Im-Not-Sure-Yet/984301" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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details what seems to have happened. And even now I'm not too sure exactly what it is. But it appears that I may have succeeded in what I have been pining over.<br />
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I think I might have forced myself to do something which required confidence, which I seem to have inadvertently hung on to. No bad thing though.

You have written my exact thoughts in beautiful lyrical tones. I feel just as the above. Why do I wait to change? Perhaps for someone to change me? Time will not do it.