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I Will Always Come In 2nd...

My husband once told me that he loves our daughter more than he loves me.  It really hurts my feelings.  I know he still feels that way. 

Don't get me wrong, I love our daughter too... I feel like I love them both with the same intensity, but in different ways.  My daughter is our creation and our reason for living.  But before she even came along, I chose my husband. 

It's not like I want to "win this race" or anything... and I don't have any animosity or jealousy toward my daughter.  I just wish I could share being his everything with my daughter.  But I can't... because she is his everything.  Both of them are my everything.
frontier frontier 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 12, 2007

Your Response


A father's job if there is to he a label is to muse the women in his life for they are the completion of him. Daughters or children need first place, they're vulnerability and perfection need to be preserved. This isn't a choice thing, its a parental inherent trait. You're still his number one.

It might be the mars venus thing. As a guy I love my wife and daughter, but do not think I put my daughter first over my wife. I never thought of it as a choice. I chose my wife and will some day hve to give my daughter a way. I think it would be hard to live with #2 after #1 left for a husband. So I think they are both #1 but in differnt ways.<br />
I hope this makes sense as I type late at night.

This is interesting. While I agree with what TheTardyDodo is saying, and I wouldn't wanna be with anybody who didn't put our child first in a life or death situation, does that mean in order to do so they must love the child more than me? Actually, I wouldn't wanna be with someone who didn't put ANY child first in a life or death situation... our child, their child, the neighbor's child, a stranger's child... but I would hope that didn't mean that they loved that child more than me. Is this just a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus communication problem?

A lot of men think in a very concrete fashion, regardless of their emotional or intellectual sophistication.<br />
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Hence, many would respond "you can't have TWO most important things, you can only have ONE". It just simply doesn't work. You just can not have two people be your everything, that's not the way that some brains are set up to be able to think.<br />
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One of the fears that goes through a man's mind when his partner is pregnant is that dreaded scenario of pregnancy complications: <i>What if I have to chose between my love and the child of my love?</i><br />
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Some men find they need to make that choice in advance, even if not *consciously*.<br />
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And men who project forward in time to hypothetical situations where they are required to act in a protector role, may also wonder whom they would pick if they could only save one of you.<br />
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At the end of the day, biology largely decides in any case. If it was a choice between the parent's survival and the child's, the parent will usually sacrifice themselves for the child.<br />
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There are many, many ways in which this might be not about you, and not about how much he does or doesn't love you. <br />
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He may love you with his entire being, but the way he is wired means that he will put the child first. In some ways, that is a declaration of love for *you*. He may be saying, no matter how much I love you, what I love most is *us* - and our future is our daughter.<br />
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Or he may not.