Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.

Update 06/10/2013

I feel as though I am going to end up stuck neither male nor female. The feelings are so strong they are even in my dreams. just today I was dreaming I was out on a date and I could not find them. I was looking and as I kept asking if people had seen my date I could hear them ask me if I was a boy or a girl. I then ended up on the stage and a spotlight shone on me as a voice asked who wanted to bid on me as an oddity.

I dont like living so far from anything. I live in a town so small it is only a few buildings and several dirt lots. I was refused from the bus this last week when I tried to go because their was no room on the bus. My car is sitting at the side of my house needing parts put in and I still have no one to help put it together for me. I have one guy trying to get me to sell him it as junk but he wont give me what I have paid into it to get fixed.

I am also getting down over having no tv so I can pay for my hormones. I have to pay $150 this week for a full stock and I will have nothing left after that. I am stuck watching the same movies all the time and most in my collection was from my days as John and I know this will sound weird but we have totally different taste in movies. 

John liked japanese anime and sci-fi movies, Me on the other hand love romance and action movies. Even our music is different. He liked old american country and I like modern hip hop though we both like classical. 

As John I was shy held back, a shadow watching life go by only getting involved when I was asked too. As Rose I am just the opposite in a lot of ways. I am open and outgoing, willing to try new things without being asked. 

But somehow I still feel so wrong, like I am still not being the real me. I have found I like to read but only when I am in the mood to read. I dont want to have to work but I know I have to in order to provide a future for Lizzy. 

As a young child my parents did so well, we had whatever we wanted almost all the time. Then my dad hurt his back in the shower one day while we were on holiday. We nearly lost everything and my grandparents supported my family until my dad recovered enough to try and go back to work.

He never saw the same income as he had before and I knew I did not want that life for me. I tried to go to school and went after my criminal justice degree but then the laws changed and I could not do go into that field, so I changed to business management. Now the school claims I never attended past 2004 and therefore my diploma is no good. I have been trying to get it fixed but I think it is a losing battle.

My parents wont call me Rose and even introduce me as their son. when talking to others. I went to town with them on May 30th and was introduced by each of them to someone as their son named John  I tried to shrug it off like a big girl but when my dad saw I was not willing to leave it alone he walked off with his arms folded. I have spent the last two weeks fighting the tears on this.

I am alone in life raising my little girl and so desperately want to have someone help me. People treat me either as a nobody or as a tool to get money from. I see others in happy relationships and I cry, not just because I want it too but because I want them to make it so badly. People have the right to live life how they want and it hurts me to see so many torn apart because of others.

I have been told that I should count myself lucky that I dont have to go through what other women go through everyday. That most of them would give it up in a second if they could. But why is it that one cant appreciate what they have. The ability to great life in ones body is not a course as so many have said. I know of at least thirty girls like me that would trade everything we have right now just to do it one time. 

I dont know what to do with my future. I look at my options and see so many possibilities but none of them seem to really be me. I love to scuba dive, doing my nails and makeup, I like to hike, bike and go to the beach. I love to cook and bake, make new things I have never tried before. I love working on my own computer and have dreams of building some great machine one day. I love to write stories and have written so many but have not gotten any good reviews that would say I could make a living at it,

I know I am 35 and should not feel like this but I do. I have lived my life in a lie so that I would be loved but I never loved myself. I have been trying to figure out how I got so bad at me and only found more missouri in the search. I am not yet me but I am no longer who I once was. The journey before me is long and tiring but one I most transverse in order to be happy. 

I am sorry that this is so long and so much for one person to deal with but it is all true and I am crying again because I have to go to town again in the morning and I dont know if I will be able to do it or not. I have so much to do and it all cost so much money that I dont know if I can do it or not. I am trying to save my money but every time I think I can I end up seeing myself get sucked deeper into the black hole of my life. 

I am sorry I will end this here.

Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
Dec 16, 2012