I'm Hard to Understand

I've been labeled so many things in my past that I've felt were inaccurate descriptions made by fellow peers. Wierd is one of them. I like the word "unique" better. It sounds less, "you don't meet cultural norms and standards".

Yes, I am idyosyncratic- more so than an average person. I like very quiet environments, comfortable shoes, clothing without itchy tag labels. I have to be far away from crowds and stimulation. A dinner party with two guests is ideal. PLease, no more!  I hate the feel of having hair in my face- I always have an urge to wear my hair up.  I have a brain that won't stop running, I'm distracted easily, and wildly creative. I don't subscribe to the mainstream cultural script of, "female, 30, married, honey mooned, reading glamour mags, bearing kids". I'm more, "minimal makeup, love all cats, garden, cook, read a ton of books, bake cookies".

Turns out, I had ADHD all my life, which affected me in my relationships with same aged peers. I got along with older folks better in my young adulthood, possibly because older people are more mature, compassionate and kinder. An ADHD brain has a hard time tracking conversation- particularly if there is more than two people talking at once. I'm the one left behind, the wall paper, using learned and adapted gestures to appear as if I'm listening. Inside, I'm so struggling to keep up. The childhood exclusions from cliques and being this only child had been isolating, but I think I learned to adapt as I aged. I'm a bit less likely to openly trust friends. I save my deeply personal problems for a psychotherapist (protected by confidentiality).

I don't ever think anyone close to me will fully understand me, because I'm complicated and tend to confuse the brightest therapists. :) I keep my personal life far away from school or professional life, and I like it that way.

I did have qualms about possible loneliness. Science says, "humans are meant to interact". but I've been fine reducing those numbers, or so I think.



smartiecats smartiecats
1 Response Jun 12, 2008

Almost everything you said describes me. I could'nt have described myself better it's so lonely being misunderstood.