I Want to Be Understood By Just One Person
I grew up constantly moving around. Never being at the same school for longer than 2 years. Finding it so hard to make friends when I'm constantly in a new place because my parents couldn't afford to stay in one place/own a home. When I was 15, we left our family and our home in Texas and moved to Virginia cause my dad lost his job. I didn't have any friends for the whole first year and a half we lived there.
My parents were always rough on me. They were good parents. But they had really short fuses and the slightest mistake or wrong doing set them off into a rage. I understand spanking your child sometimes for discipline reasons. But there's a breaking point to where you get spanked so unnecessarily much that it starts hurting mentally, not just physically. It stopped when I was 18 and explained to them, after having a break down, that them being like that hurt me and it was one of the causes of my depression.
When I was 12, one of my older brothers got divorced. Their daughter, my niece, was 2 at the time. My brother and ex sister in law were fighting for custody of her. To make my brother look bad to the courts, she would always come up with the wildest things. One of those things was accusing me of molesting their daughter, my niece. She accused me, a little 12 year old boy. Of molesting my 2 year old niece. I didn't even know what that word meant. At the time I use to laugh at it cause it sounded funny. Mole-esting. I use to go over to my ex sister in laws house when my parents were arguing and stay there a while cause they were right down the road at the time. She baby-sat me a lot too when I was younger. She use to tell me I was such a cute, sweet child and how she wished I was hers.
I was dragged into Child Protective Services and interviewed by some lady. I still didn't know what that word meant. I still didn't know why I was being accused of this. She didn't tell me anything. She pulled a little plastic toy shark out of her desk and asked me if I had ever seen it before. I said yes because I had. My brother and his ex wife use to go to Sea World constantly with my niece and always bought little toys like that. She asked have I ever played with the toy with my niece. I said yes. And then she asked, "Have you ever taken the toy shark and put it in your niece?" I froze for a second and said, "Put it in my niece? What do you mean?" And that's when the flood gates opened.
Before that point, I never knew what a vagina was. Or sex. Or even knew this stuff existed. I hadn't had Sex Ed in school yet and my parents did a good job of keeping me from getting prematurely exposed to anything. I began to feel extremely disturbed. With myself. With people. With the world. I still feel that way to this day. That day I learned of sex, which is suppose to be a wonderful experience in the right light and part of being human, came off as a twisted, heinous, disturbing act because of how I was introduced to it. With being told I had done it with a 2 year old baby girl and a toy shark.
Although 10 years have passed since then and I have worked it all out within myself and understanding sex and how it's suppose to be, it has definitely left a scar. A scar that rears its ugly mark whenever I get close to a girl. Relationship wise and even when I'm just saying hi. Because of all this, I'm scared to touch women; giving a hug or shaking hands when saying hi to a family member or meeting someone new. Or if it's someone I really like, a kiss. It feels extremely alien to me.
Besides all that, it has made me very untrusting of people. Even my own family. Because if someone that loved you and cared for you could turn around and do that, then anyone can. I am very introverted. It takes a long time to make me open up and get to know me. I am very anti-social. I don't like being the center of attention. I'm very quiet. I don't make much conversation. I'm extremely critical of myself and my flaws. I'm very insecure. Which when I was a little kid before all this, I was completely opposite.
All of this could have been avoided if CPS had examined her first to find that nothing was done. But no. They did that after screwing me up.
I've never been in a relationship before. I'm still a virgin. I just got my first kiss this passed December from a girl who was just horny as hell and didn't really care for me. I thought we had something real going on or else I wouldn't have wasted it. The first time I tried getting serious with a girl was when I was 19 and we had been friends for a couple years prior and I had really strong feelings for her. She told me she didn't like me like that. And 6 months later, she got married to a guy twice her age that had no job and 2 daughters her age. I was crushed.
That night she turned me down I went out for a drive in my car to try to make myself feel better. I got in a wreck trying to avoid a mailbox someone had knocked over into the road. I was going 45 and the car rolled over 3 times after landing in a ditch. I was on a country road in the middle of no where with no one around and no lights and no cell phone. I starting walking back home. It was pitch black and I could hear stuff moving around in the bushes as I walked along. Shortly after I started walking a dog appeared and followed me for a little while. About an hour later, I came upon a big light. It was a church. And on it's announcement board that was all lit up, it said, "God welcomes even the most unexpected guests." I was definitely one of the most unexpected guests. Showing up at a church in the middle of no where at 3 AM. I sat on the steps and cried for a while and then started walking again. Eventually, a cop on patrol came across me and picked me up.
There's even more to me. But I'll leave that for another story.
My parents were always rough on me. They were good parents. But they had really short fuses and the slightest mistake or wrong doing set them off into a rage. I understand spanking your child sometimes for discipline reasons. But there's a breaking point to where you get spanked so unnecessarily much that it starts hurting mentally, not just physically. It stopped when I was 18 and explained to them, after having a break down, that them being like that hurt me and it was one of the causes of my depression.
When I was 12, one of my older brothers got divorced. Their daughter, my niece, was 2 at the time. My brother and ex sister in law were fighting for custody of her. To make my brother look bad to the courts, she would always come up with the wildest things. One of those things was accusing me of molesting their daughter, my niece. She accused me, a little 12 year old boy. Of molesting my 2 year old niece. I didn't even know what that word meant. At the time I use to laugh at it cause it sounded funny. Mole-esting. I use to go over to my ex sister in laws house when my parents were arguing and stay there a while cause they were right down the road at the time. She baby-sat me a lot too when I was younger. She use to tell me I was such a cute, sweet child and how she wished I was hers.
I was dragged into Child Protective Services and interviewed by some lady. I still didn't know what that word meant. I still didn't know why I was being accused of this. She didn't tell me anything. She pulled a little plastic toy shark out of her desk and asked me if I had ever seen it before. I said yes because I had. My brother and his ex wife use to go to Sea World constantly with my niece and always bought little toys like that. She asked have I ever played with the toy with my niece. I said yes. And then she asked, "Have you ever taken the toy shark and put it in your niece?" I froze for a second and said, "Put it in my niece? What do you mean?" And that's when the flood gates opened.
Before that point, I never knew what a vagina was. Or sex. Or even knew this stuff existed. I hadn't had Sex Ed in school yet and my parents did a good job of keeping me from getting prematurely exposed to anything. I began to feel extremely disturbed. With myself. With people. With the world. I still feel that way to this day. That day I learned of sex, which is suppose to be a wonderful experience in the right light and part of being human, came off as a twisted, heinous, disturbing act because of how I was introduced to it. With being told I had done it with a 2 year old baby girl and a toy shark.
Although 10 years have passed since then and I have worked it all out within myself and understanding sex and how it's suppose to be, it has definitely left a scar. A scar that rears its ugly mark whenever I get close to a girl. Relationship wise and even when I'm just saying hi. Because of all this, I'm scared to touch women; giving a hug or shaking hands when saying hi to a family member or meeting someone new. Or if it's someone I really like, a kiss. It feels extremely alien to me.
Besides all that, it has made me very untrusting of people. Even my own family. Because if someone that loved you and cared for you could turn around and do that, then anyone can. I am very introverted. It takes a long time to make me open up and get to know me. I am very anti-social. I don't like being the center of attention. I'm very quiet. I don't make much conversation. I'm extremely critical of myself and my flaws. I'm very insecure. Which when I was a little kid before all this, I was completely opposite.
All of this could have been avoided if CPS had examined her first to find that nothing was done. But no. They did that after screwing me up.
I've never been in a relationship before. I'm still a virgin. I just got my first kiss this passed December from a girl who was just horny as hell and didn't really care for me. I thought we had something real going on or else I wouldn't have wasted it. The first time I tried getting serious with a girl was when I was 19 and we had been friends for a couple years prior and I had really strong feelings for her. She told me she didn't like me like that. And 6 months later, she got married to a guy twice her age that had no job and 2 daughters her age. I was crushed.
That night she turned me down I went out for a drive in my car to try to make myself feel better. I got in a wreck trying to avoid a mailbox someone had knocked over into the road. I was going 45 and the car rolled over 3 times after landing in a ditch. I was on a country road in the middle of no where with no one around and no lights and no cell phone. I starting walking back home. It was pitch black and I could hear stuff moving around in the bushes as I walked along. Shortly after I started walking a dog appeared and followed me for a little while. About an hour later, I came upon a big light. It was a church. And on it's announcement board that was all lit up, it said, "God welcomes even the most unexpected guests." I was definitely one of the most unexpected guests. Showing up at a church in the middle of no where at 3 AM. I sat on the steps and cried for a while and then started walking again. Eventually, a cop on patrol came across me and picked me up.
There's even more to me. But I'll leave that for another story.
By:
Stellato12
Age:
22-25
,
Male
