I Just Don't Know What To Do Anymore...Hi I prefer to remain anonymous when I post this...
I study in this private school that is very well known for its excellent academic results. The stress there as a student is really overbearing, with overwhelming amounts of homework and assignments not to mention really tough year round examinations.
There, I met my best friend, my buddy, and the love of my life. He, however isn't doing as well as me coping in this horrid school, with slightly below average academic results and an inability to handle the amount of stress. Just last year, he told me his parents offered to let him change schools. I begged him over and over for him to stay for one final year before we graduate because I needed more time with him to be sure about US. He said yes and he went through a whole lot of trouble with his parents to stay. I promised him that I'd make it all worth it.
So through this year, being our graduating year and with a big year end examination coming up, sometimes I'd have my recess and lunch taken away by teachers for extra classes. He on the other hand wasn't coping well with the amount of homework and stress, while he failed most of his grades..
I try now and then to sneak him hugs and kisses, to spend more time with him during recess and lunch, hoping I could make him feel better staying. But as the year progressed, he became worse, depressed, sad, angry, unreasonable... Especially when I come late or miss recess/lunch being held back by teachers, he gets so upset with the school.. and with me.
I know he's angry, so I let him voice out his feelings. He doesn't feel like it's worth staying if he couldn't spend enough time with me. He tells me that I'm choosing the school over him. That I'm not doing enough to help him. But really I feel like I do and I'm really trying so very hard. I wish he could understand how much I really cared for him. How I basically think of him every single second while I'm in class. How I glance over to the direction of his classroom every time I'm on the corridor. How I run my way to the cafeteria every single recess and lunch just to savor the time I have to spend with him. How I risk being caught by staff/teachers hugging him and pecking him on the cheeks. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO... I'm head over heels in love with him I know he loves me too. I offer him help with homework and studies... but he continuously pushes me away.
There was once I was held back by a teacher and had to come down to the cafeteria late during recess. He was so upset. He asked how it wasn't my fault I came down late. That it's my fault he's so upset, it's my fault he stayed for NOTHING, it's my fault that I'm not trying hard enough, that me saying sorry all the time wasn't enough... and all I could do was cry into my hands..
I know asking him to stay was a selfish act. And if I knew it'd come to this, I'd never ask him to stay, I love him so much I want to see him happy.. Now, he regrets staying for me... He said that he about did the most unreasonable thing in the world staying for me, one year of suffering, and I couldn't give him the full time he deserves with me.
I felt so hurt from all that he said to me. I never knew that him staying for me would be worth nothing to him, because it certainly meant the world to me and I thought it was mutual. To me, even being able to see him for ONE minute in school was sufficient to make my day, he's really worth THAT much. I never knew he'd want so much more compared to what I could give. If I had the choice, I really would be holding him in my arms 24/7 showering him with my love and nobody would stop me. But I can't, and he knows that. It hurts me so much that he's being so unreasonable right now and that he doesn't think before throwing hurtful comments at me anymore.
I'm trying so hard to stay strong.. but I find myself closer and closer to my breaking point every time we argue about this. It pains me to know that almost every single day I've cried at least once over this issue. I love him so dearly can't he see that? If it would make his life better, I'd get out of his life.. but I can't seem to let him go, I want him so badly to stay with me. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE...
I post this.. hoping that I'd get some advice... at the same time I'm trying to release and express myself through these words in hope that I can feel better after. I'm so lost... and I'm so confused... I need help...
delly3 18-21, F 0 Aug 18, 2012