I Just Want To Belong.. My Story..

Hi. First I want to say that this is really long for a reason, sorry about it, and I'm really grateful to anyone who reads it till the end, thank you.
It's been so long since I've known what to do with my life and currently- everything is so broken and in pieces, that I decided to share it in hope I maybe get any answers at all..
My story begins 4 years ago. At the time I was in 8th grade(now I'm 17 and in the 11th). That's when my life first changed, when everything slowly began going to ****... A couple of days after my birthday, which is in autumn, my grandfather passed away. It was my first time witnessing death in such a way, so I didn't really know what to do. Before that turning point, my life has only been about computers. I never really felt like my family wanted me. Especially my father.. I never felt like I had any real friends, though I did have people beside me, I guess.. The night when my grandfather died, I got left in the room with his lifeless body, and had the opportunity to say my farewell undisturbed. I went close to his bed, where he was laying, got my goodbye and bended over and kissed him on the forehead. That's the moment where I think I snapped.. The kiss was cold, which is understandable, but it's what changed me. Even now, I think it just... altered my existance... my fate, destiny or something... After that, I don't remember much of the night. It's like I lost conciousness, even though not physically. Only thing I remember is going to the sofa in the living room, laying on it, crawl into a circle shape, and just lay there... Don't know for how long. The only other memory of that night is going home, crying, and then waking up the next morning. It was a school day, and despite what had happened, I went to school. Every fiber of my existance felt different though... It was like I had opened my eyes to everything, and now I could see all the misery, pain, hunger, despair, sadness and just general darkness of the world around me... Maybe it's because I've been avoiding real life for so long, that now when I had been revealed to the true nature of it, everything just came bursting in... All of what I could see and feel, just by looking at random strangers on the street, their empty eyes, the homeless people all around me, not even knowing them, just seeing... It was all too much for me... At the time I had 3 of my closest friends back then next to me. We went to different schools, but we talked over Skype and played all sorts of games together every day. They were there, and they knew of what had happened, but I just couldn't bring myself to it to tell them about the rest of it, and the new me... I wasn't sure I even understood myself at the time.. But despite all of the bad I was seeing around me, that's not the worst part. I mentioned not being close with my father, ever... Well that's when I actually started noticing it... I started thinking how we've never been close at all, and even for these 4 years that've passed since then, I still have no memory of his smile, ever laughing with him, or anything like that... He's never been interested in what I did, how I was doing at school or anything that, which actually matters... Sure, I'm grateful for the clothes, the food, the roof above my head, and all the physical technology needs(like my PC for instance) that I had, but even now, I would trade ALL of that, just to spend a day, knowing what having an actual father means... I know saying all of this is selfish, and that some people don't even get to meet their fathers, or lose them, but it's so much worser knowing that he's there, and he hates you... And on top of everything, being able to see that hate in his eyes each time you look into them... That just crushed me... I didn't know what to do, I didn't know why he was like that, I fell into a huge depression and I felt like it was over for me... I talked to my friends, but they just couldn't make anything of it.. Hell, I don't think I would have... And that's when I met him...
In my country, when you finish the 7th grade, you enter highschool and because my primary school wasn't a highschool too(it was only till 7th grade), I was at a new one when everything happened. So apart from everything that was happening to me, I also had to deal with the new school, teachers, people... But I'm kinda glad for that.. Even though my story will take a different turn soon, I'm still glad That happened! My literature teacher! He was my salvation... At first, I didn't think much of him, but that was before everything happened. During my depression, I still went to school, and it seemed like his classes were the only thing that could take my mind off of everything... The thing is that he is also a writer and a poet. I've come to agreement now that maybe what I had back then was just me growing up... But back then I thought it was some kind of a gift, or curse, or just... something different... And I didn't know why it chose me.. But he had the same thing. Either ways, if it was growing up- he was an adult, and if it was something different, he was a poet- so he had it too... I saw it in his eyes- he knew about all that I had seen too, and that he could see it the same way like me.. But despite that, he was always smiling, cheerful, caring, always believing in the light.. He, as a teacher, was something to all of us, that my father never had been for me... And that made me overlook things... Try and fight everything.. I got into poetry too. That helped control everything by expressing my feeling into words, by reading poetry and novels about it. It helped me understand. He helped me understand. He was the reason I got into poetry, and he was kind of like my life teacher, apart from the literature teacher job. I talked to him almost every time after classes, and he always welcomed me with a smile, and listened to what I had to say.. He helped me believe that the light existed, and I just had to keep fighting and not giving up until I found it.. Eventually I felt like I wanted him to be my father... And I know that's selfish too, but sometimes the heart knows so much better than the mind, and that's what it told me...
To summarize everything a bit better, I'm just going to say that as time went by, I grew fonder and fonder of him, I started truly living! I read books, I wrote my own pieces of literature, I started working out, tried to lose some weight.. Just put my life into place.. And it really did work... Even though it was summer vacation, I still carried on doing everything. While everyone else was being lazy and enjoying summer that way, I did my thing. And it felt so good! I was in such great control of my... gift... that I could feel the world running through my veins... Each breath I took felt like I was scaling the whole world around the clouds! I was truly alive! That summer I lost a lot of weight, made some muscles, read so many books and even wrote a couple of my own things. I never forgot about my computer too. The class I'm in is computer technologies, so I couldn't forget. I continued with that. Despite everything else I was doing, I managed that too! The summer vacation ended. I was back at school, and he was still my literature teacher. Up to this point, he is still my literature teacher, and I don't know if he's choosing to be like that or if he just hasn't been switched with someone, but that's how it is... Everyone in my class was amazed to see how much I've changed in just 2 or 3 months. My literature teacher did that the previous school year too and still does, but in 1 of the first couple of classes, before the actual school program starts, he always asks what each of us has read during the summer. And that year, when he asked me and I told him about all the things I've read, I could see it in his eyes.. That smile... Saying that he was proud of me will probably be a bit overboard, but he was definitely happy to hear all of that.. That I had such interest in what most people my age disregard nowadays.. And I felt happy too.. If he was happy, I was happy!
And that's pretty much the year when it all started slowly going to ****.. I continued doing absolutely everything I had been doing during the summer, but with school, I guess it became a bit too much... I was losing control, and I couldn't do anything about it.. Ever since the very beginning I've been trying to hint my literature teacher what he meant to me with my actions, interest in him and what I wrote, just to see if maybe he felt the same way, or at least something like it... I never, even now, could bring myself to tell him directly about everything.. And that second school year with him slowly started crushing me. By the end of the year, I completely fell through with him.. Having classes with him, and seeing him around just brought me pain.. I felt so much for him, but never knowing what he did for me, eventually got me I guess... All that I did was just too stressful and it destroyed me slowly... It's kind of a cursed circle, I guess... I managed to do everything because he was there, but he is also the reason it all fell through... Serpent with two heads... The summer after that school year, I stopped with everything... Didn't read, didn't write, didn't exercise, gained all the weight I'd lost and more... I tried ignoring all of that pain, and just locked it away inside a door, where it grew stronger... That summer all I did was play games on my computer and talk with the same friends I mentioned first, which brings me the other shirt part of my life...
Because I'd lost everything, and I didn't want to feel empty, I guess I thought of them like brothers... People, that'll always be there when I need them to... And maybe at a point, they though of me the same way, but I quickly ruined that too... When 10th grade started, the third year with my literature teacher, I was still the same like I was during the summer... But 1 thing was very different- it wasn't summer anymore.. When school started, each of us went to their schools and got in touch with their classmates and whatnot, and they were no different. I wasn't like that, I never have been. The only point in my life when I felt like I belonged somewhere was the summer when I managed to control my life because of him. Putting that aside, I've always been lost... I didn't belong with my classmates, so I wasn't like my friends. By the end of that year, during winter, I completely lost track of myself... I fell into a dark abyss of pure depression and nothing more... And that's when I slowly, but surely, drove all of those, which I called brothers away from me... They were very understanding with me, and always tried to help me through my hard times, but they are only just human after all... And they have limits... Which I broke there and then.. One by one, I discarded all of them from my life, and I was completely alone this time... Winter break for Christmas came, and I had nothing and noone... I couldn't even talk to my literature teacher, because of that same old pain, I couldn't do anything with my life anymore, and I destroyed all my friends... Days of the vacation slowly went by and I barely even spoke... Not because I didn't want to, because I didn't have anyone to speak to... I don't really know why, but after a couple of days doing absolutely nothing, I decided to at least pick some of the pieces up, so I decided to do something at least on the PC, and I did. Turned it into my job, which I still do. It's not exactly perfect, but I'm at least still trying... I didn't fix anything in my life, but because of that "hobby", I at least managed to get my mind off everything else during the day at least... At night, I felt so alone, so hurt... About the same time as I started with my hobby, I thought life presented another chance to me, which just ended being another way for it to screw me over... My literature teacher didn't hate me, because I guess he didn't have any reasons to. I was the one with the reasons, for him I think I was just another student, just with a bit of interest towards literature and poetry... For second term, my school had decided to start with out-of-class activities- different clubs we could go to if we wanted to.. And my literature teacher decided to make a literature club, which he invited me to. I accepted, and we started seeing eachother more often, again.. I could see his smile more, and by that point, I'd been living with the pain for 3 whole years, so I've somewhat became numb to it. All I felt towards him at the time of the club was just cooperation with it, and helping him as much as I could. And that's what I did. With my hobby, and that club, I managed to get a somewhat grip on my life again... I didn't have time to read much myself, because of my hobby, but I did some reading and writing in the club. I still had my pounds though... No matter how many countless times I tried to pick up exercising and losing weight, I just didn't manage to do it... Even if I had some control over my mind during day, when the physical hunger kicks in, it requires some will to still be in the same control over everything... And I dind't have that anymore... Not with school and with everything else... But I at least had something, and I was happy with that... I pretty much discarded my "brothers" from my life because we argued too much about things that I actually started because of my "condition", and they just eventually got fed up with it, I guess, and didn't even bother anymore... And I really didn't need that drama, considering everything else in my life... That's why I did what I did with them. And with those small things I had back then, and missing the drama, I was somewhat fine... I though it'd changed for the better... I was no longer so dependable, I had a solid grip of my own, even though I felt so alone and hurt during nights and certain times... But I was so wrong...
Five months after I cut all strings with my friends, I decided to call them up again, one by one... One night, the pain of being alone was just too much, even though I was trying to take my mind off it by doing my hobby. And I just called one of them... We started talking, he was also happy to hear me, and had quite a lot to say, just like me... We became somewhat friends again, and because of him, I started talking with the other two, and eventually the third one, again... They were four in total, and I was the fifth, of our "group"... But they'd changed too.. And unlike me, where I was just thinking I have, they really did... I don't know if I had been a major thing in their lives, before I did what I did, but all of them... had changed to worser now... The one I felt closest always had weird ambitions and did strange thigns in general, but now he had gone into distributing weed, joining anarchist movements... From a completely normal and cool hair, he now had a huge green mohawk... He starting smoking because of what he did too... I'm pretty sure he also took some of the weed himself... The second one had completely enclosed himself into an inside not just wall, but whole castle... I'm pretty sure that when I talked to him again, he had only 1 or 2 people left that he talked with daily, as opposed to quite a lot back before the 5 months... He had his reasons to become the way he did, but despite all my effort to show him that I cared for him, and I would be there for him if he needed me, he just continued saying that all I talked about was women stuff and men shouldn't have any feelings like that... The third one had changed to a egocentric, selfcentered ******* and all he cared about was just to get all that he could from me... I might have ALL of this **** on my head, but I'm at least pretty good with general PC stuff, because I had done at least something with my life throughout everything, and he made sure to take full advantage of that. I helped him, of course, because I considered him a friend and all, but all he really waited for was for me to do one quite big thing for him, and when I said no, he just stopped talking with me and ignored me whenever I tried to talk or reason with him... And finally the fourth one... His case is the most understandable and normal of all, and I can't really say anything against it, but it just hurts me that after all we've been through he chose the newly aquired girlfriend he'd found during those 5 months and his other friends... The stupidest thing he did was make "schedules"... He'd be out all day with his other friends, and he returned at about 9 or 10PM, and that's when it was my turn to talk with him... And that never really changed... He had specific days and hours, and all that... Eventually, I stopped talking with all of them again... This time though, I'm not the one to blame... I felt guilty before, because when I took that break from them for those 5 months, I didn't justify it... Not enough for what I did... And I felt guilty... Even more guilty when I found out what all of them had became. So I tried my very best to fix it as much as I could... I couldn't bring the past back, no matter how hard I wanted to, so I couldn't really change that, but I tried as much as I could to be a part of their lives... They just didn't want me anymore... This time, it wasn't me who cut them off, it was the other way around...
And now we're pretty much to present day... The fourth of my friends cut me off actually 1 or 2 weeks ago. I'm now 11th grade, 4th year with my literature teacher. This summer I didn't manage to do anything as well, because I was trying to establish mutual lifes with my friends again, which resulted in pain and more drama each time... And not so slowly, the summer was over. I was even more overweight than before, I still didn't exercise, hadn't read or written anything ever since the literature club ended with school... At the start of this school year, when my literature teacher asked me what I've read during the summer, I couldn't tell him anything else than nothing... 4 years ago, I saw an almost proud smile on his face when I answered that question of his, and now- 4 years later, I saw the complete opposite of that- sheer disappointment... It was obvious how much more pounds I've gained, and it was more than obvious how much time I've spent on the PC this summer... He asked me if I'd just spend the summer on the PC, and he nailed it spot on... I didn't want to disappoint him like that, but that was the truth... I had disappointed him, and no matter how much I could've told myself otherwise, that's the truth... Currently I weight 97 pounds, and I've been trying to lose weight for such a long time now... I even recently began exercising again, to lose weight faster, but each time some kind of **** happens that makes me lose control and satisfy the hunger so I can hurt a bit less... Even if nothing that bad happens, I still generally just lose control... I have absolutely no more willpower left most probably for the rest of my life, and I feel like no matter what I try to pick up and do, it'll always fail... And so far, that's how it's been... I'm not doing the "you're telling yourself things are like that, so you make them that way" thing... I always try to be as positive as possibly, and not to mention that no matter how bad and hurt I feel at night, before going to bed for instance, I am as good as new to at least try again on the other day... And that's exactly what's really bringing me down... I am trying so hard to change this curse, and take control of my life, that each time when I fail, it makes it so much harder to carry on the next time... And by this point, I am really running out of options... And I don't know what to do... I'm just sat here, all by myself, bleeding on the inside since so long ago, just trying to belong somewhere and find my purpose... Can you help me? Any opinions, suggestions or just... general replies are welcome... Thank you for reading...
SoulTrigger SoulTrigger
18-21
Dec 4, 2012