Ramblings Of A Messed Up Girl...

I put on a facade that I'm happy and unaffected by the **** I've gone through. There's certainly been a lot of it; and I try my best not to let others know that I still dwell on the past.

In passing, I am kind yet always brief with what I say; I keep my social interactions polite and docile. I've had strangers comment that my demeanor reminds them of the "Kardashians" and I've had it more than once. ( I dont know anything about them but I was told they're rude and stuck up.)

I don't understand because I try to act kind and smile at those who smile at me; and if people initiate conversations I'll happily play along; though I'm not the time to ever instigate such interactions... but then I will run into the public restroom and throw up, or have panic attacks because being around people does this to me.

I care about others lives and experiences; I used desperately search for connections with people, especially back when I was in college but it left me feeling disconnected and far away from everyone; it's as though my experiences that I've gone through are so vastly different from others - and my approach to thinking and life is so different -- my priorities are so different, that people just can't understand me.

For the last several years I have panic attacks in any social situation, sometimes I can hold it off until I go home or I find somewhere to run off into a corner and sit down where I hyperventilate and shake....

it started with locking myself in a car after being stressed out from my college classes - abnormal psych, I was told I had a GAF of 40 and according to meyers briggs personality test I was INFJ (rarest personality type) and my teacher was fascinated by it and turned me into somewhat of a public spectacle for the class.. It was a lot of stress for me and eventually led to me dropping out of school...

Which eventually led to being unable to leave the house unless I plan any outing days in advance (shopping, movies, etc). I used to be an open book; but when people ask me about my life they just go silent...because I'm just ******* weird.. and so I begin to feel crazy. Now I try to avoid people.

I have all the life experience of a 15 year old... and thats it, it stops then. because I cant drive.. I dont know how to do taxes, I dont know how the world works...Im pretty clueless and uneducated with big dreams and hopes of becoming a novelist and turning my life around; somehow...

As a result of all that Ive gone through, for the most part, I have learned to try and keep my experiences to myself solely; to play along and pretend I care about the **** that other people do, just for the sake of blending in. Pretending I am like everyone else.

I only have one true friend that knows me and understands everything I've been through. She's my girlfriend, the person that I love and share everything with. I'm so blessed to have that... though sometimes I wish I'd have more friends, people that understood me or at least would try.

My girlfriend is just as helpless and lost as I am, and as a result I feel powerless to change or motivate her; yet alone myself.

The closest I have to other friends,.if you count someone I havent spoken to in over 6 months due to them having a life that's too big for me to be a part of it... and some people back home in the UK whom I haven't spoken to in nearly 7 years (during which of course, my life has drastically changed and I've experienced things that completely changed my perspective as a human being.) I have some online buddies that I thought were my friends but they just drifted away and don't really speak to me or call me anymore... because their lives are taking them to new and exciting places and they have no room for me, I guess.

So... anyways, I think I am a bad person sometimes. Because there must be something wrong with me. My parents have used me as a pawn since I was a kid, I was a bargaining chip, I'd mediate fights between them; I was shuffled around and then finally tossed aside & considered garbage compared to my siblings - namely my sister because she and I look alike but she is better looking, better at socializing than me and my parents basically turned her into a high class escort and model, spending money on plastic surgery to have her be the breadmaker for the family. Its really ****** up and I hated it all... Around that time I was barely a teenager when I began drinking and partying non stop; and taking oxy and vicodin to get a little high enough to deal with everything around me... I quit that habit when I hit 20...

After they divorced, my mother went home to her country and my father remained in the UK... and when my parents found out I was a lesbian` it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak...and they forbid me for interacting with my sister or the rest of the family....

I went to the US to live with my aunt because she didnt care too much about my personal life choices and offered me to go to community college if I worked and paid her some money and did chores, shed drive me to work and school because she did nothing...I hoped it would be a fresh start and I left with high hopes... but she literally made me into her slave after a few "normal months" where Id go to my classes and then work 10 hour shifts and come home to have to cook meals and do dishes and get 2 hours of sleep a night, finally I stood up for myself and that was the end of it, she poked me with a screwdriver in the stomach and threatened to kill me, and tossed me out of the house by force... and locked me out, I couldnt get any of my things, including my computer or anything...

I went for a walk to calm myself down and called my girlfriend ( at the time we had met online and not in person yet) and she told me to go home and try to smooth things over, but when I did that I saw my aunt and her daughter inside and they wouldnt let me in so I threw a rock through the back door's window pane, reached in, opened the lock and went upstairs to pack my things.. but they called the police on me and had me escorted away, I was taken to jail for destruction of property.. and while I was there my credit cards became late because I couldnt pay them and it caused me debt, ruined my credit, I was brutalized while I was there ven though I was only there for 2 weeks because my girlfriend somehow managed to convince my employer to bail me out in exchange for me helping him around his home/moving in with him and taking a pay cut....

Looking back I shouldnt of broke the damned window, but she was telling me I wouldnt get my things... after going to jail

I don't understand myself. I dont understand my family, I dont understand why I have gone through what I have gone through, and worst of all I dont understand what I am supposed to do to get better, or how to pick up the pieces of my "life" because I've never really had one.

I can't drive, I have severe social anxiety, and the whole jail thing and US experience doesnt cover 1/3rd of the **** thats happened because it all got crazier after that whole experience... I moved in temporarily with my boss whom was morbidly obese and he tried to sexually proposition me and then he began to barricade me in a room that I couldnt leave while disabling my internet/phoneline... It was just bizarre, where I am from in the UK people arent like this but the states have been full of whackos.. Originally this was all in California but I moved to the east coast.. I could carry on forever but I'm tired and I guess the point of all of this is... I don't understand...

I dont understand myself, I don't understand people, I don't know what the hell I am doing half the time or how to get from point A to point B. It's like, things would be so simple if I knew how to drive, had a drivers license or a car...

Luckily I work from home now.. or I'd be screwed. The downside is I am supporting my girlfriend (She has severe health problems) and our roommate, whom drives me up the ******* wall... and doing the dishes for all 3 of us and doing most of the cooking, it's just insane... I feel like if I had a license and car I could get a better job and work toward getting out of my crappy horrible apartment but I dont make enough money to do that as it stands, I cant get ahead, I need help. Truly sometimes I wish I was never born, all I want in my life is to be able to finish my novel but I dont have the personal time.

I push people that I love away from me. I act distant and cold, and sometimes overly sarcastic in everyday situations, but it's because I'm miserable. I have big hopes and aspirations but no clue how to achieve my goals or pick up the pieces. (Sorry for all the ramblings, 58 hours and no sleep yet) :O