Easier Said Than Done.

I'm sixteen and thriving for independence. My parents want me to get a job, I want to earn money, I've applied for college. All these tiny steps heading towards adulthood.

Yet, I reached a stage a few years ago where I stopped maturing emotionally. I am scared of probably just about everything to do with life. I feel all this pressure hitting me from all angles and I'm just standing in the midst of it, unable to deliver. I'm being told I NEED to get a job. Yes, I'd love to but I CAN'T!

After diagnosing myself with social phobia, I am unable to catch up with my peers who are also taking those leaps towards independence. I think what tiggered it was the move to another school, a much bigger school. I was always a quiet child but confident at the same time. In my previous school I could even label myself as a 'rebel'. Yet now I'm merely a shell. I am the 'quiet one', the one the teachers always bug to put my hand up more and participate in class discusions. Over the years, I've become to talking in my head as I'm much too shy and afraid of making mistakes if I said anything vocally.

Nobody seems to understand how far this has gone. This is beyond simple childhood shyness, this is an illness.

I had an argument with the 'rents today. Just the usual, finding a job. They told me I neeed one, I agreed but simply stated, I can't. But of course you can, everyone else manages at your age. Yes, but they are not me! I can't do anything, I'm too scared. That god-awful word again.

So that's when they started on the whole, what's the point of going to college then when you don't have the drive or ambition?. I do have the ambition! I have so much, I dream of studying hard and earning up with a decent job and leaving comfortably. But that's all they are, dreams.

I am bound by fear. It ties me down and refuses to let me be normal. It's made me hate myself, hate my life. It decieves me, covers up all the good in my world until everything becomes this deep, black pit of what I have come to know as life.

I just wish someone knew how I felt.

HollyRose HollyRose
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Aww Holly! poor you! You know i'm not exactly emotionally available but remember if you ever want to talk i am caperble of listening :).

You are in midst of exploring a time in your life where you question everything, peers, parents, society in general. Its normal to feel this way and react how you have. I don't beleive you have an illness. I remember at 16 being forced to do 'what was expected of me' and i went to college and dropped out. It was all too much for me. I wasn't ready to make plans or be all grown up. I have felt guilty ever since, like I didnt measure up to THEIR expectations. If i could give a choice to every teeneager at your age, it would be to have a few years time out, travelling, living and coming to terms with your impending adulthood. I dont beleive any 16 year old is sure of themselves to be able to know what path they want to follow (I am 36 and still have trouble seeing which way to go!). I fear for my own children when they are expected to make major decisions at that age. Please, please dont put yourself in a box and condemn your feelings as ill. because when this happens, you unconsciously follow that pattern, I know because I have done it myself. Your freedom in your mind is an asset not a restriction. be you....the lovely wonderful person you are, know your freedom.