I Don't Want To Be Angry Anymore

I know myself. I don't necessarily love myself. I'm not exactly comfortable with myself. But at least the two of us are aquainted. Me and myself, that is. And one thing I am well aware of about me is that I'm angry. I am so ******* enraged. I am a decent person, I think. I am loving and accepting and open-minded and forgiving and patient and empathetic. I know, at least, that those things are true. You might think that a loving, accepting, open-minded, forgiving, patient, and empathetic person would be quite the opposite of angry, but you would be wrong. In fact, the reason I am so angry to begin with is because of those things about me.

I can explain it if someone will listen. And I want more than anything in the world for someone to listen. And to understand. To just get it and accept it and love me for it. Or even hate me for it. I don't care. Just at least understand it.

People who need to be understood and accepted practically flock to me. I have a ******* gaggle of them. And I love them. I really do.

But even though I've worked hard for them, they won't do it for me. I have all the qualities that one needs to truly understand another person. Those qualities are listed above. And I spend half my life just listening to people and just understanding. That's what everyone needs, isn't it? Just someone to understand and I'm that person who understands for nearly everyone in my life. But who is that person for me? Who is the person that just shuts up and listens and gets it and empathizes with me and loves me and is patient with me and forgives me? No one. That's who.

So hell yes I'm angry. I'm angry that no matter how much I give understanding and acceptance to other people, even if it costs me something, no one seems to care that I need that too. Where is my person who is willing to sacrifice something, even if it's as simple as their time, to try to understand me? Where is my person who will be there for me and know what I'm going through any time day or night? Where is my person? I'm that person to everyone. Why isn't anyone willing to step up and be that person for me? I'm all alone. I can empathize with everyone, but no one can empathize with me. I'm not hard to understand. It's just that no one even tries. Damn right I'm pissed.

finder finder
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 7, 2010

I want your friendship

I feel like you're right, omniscience, but that's so sad. I don't want to sound stuck-up but I DO think I'm a deeper and more complex person than those of us who spend less time listening and giving a **** about other people. I just really believe that's what life is all about: listening and sharing and learning. But I guess most people don't spend time doing that. If everyone bothered to do that, then we'd ALL probably be happy and it wouldn't have to be at anyone else's expense, but that's not how the world works. <br />
Sometimes I wonder if it's not them, but it's me. After I wrote this wtory I started thinking about it and I DO have many friends who are like me in the fact that they're curious about others and they care, but maybe I'm holding back from them somehow. As a child, I didn't hold anything back. I was who I was and my peers did NOT like me for it. I had a terrible time from probably the ages of 8 or 9 until I was 16. Maybe I'm subconciously afraid to fully put myself out there because of what has happened in the past when I did that.