I Want To Be Understood....

Im sitting in class right now. Wondering why I ever had to be given such  a hard life to live. I wonder why no one has walked into my life that hasnt walked out of my life. I wonder why God gave me the ablility to be slapped in the face with out being able to slap others in the face.

I've been through a crap load of stuff in my 18 years of life. My child hood was hard. My fathers a very violent man. When my brother and I were younger, we'd do something wrong and we'd be yelled at till my dad was red in the face, his vains in his neck would be poping out. I remember one time when my father got angry at my big brother becuase he put a small scratch in an antique bed frame. Instead of taking it and getting it fixed, he broke it and threw it around the room wiht his two year old and one year old in the room. screaming and yelling at us. i thought he was going to beat the **** out of us....I thought I was going to die. I can also remember a time when my mom threw me against the wall really hard because 'i wasnt behaving'. Come to find out that I later had a problem...mentally i couldnt foucus or make myself behave..and how is one suupossed to know how to behave at four? I dont know if you can tell, but I've had a hard life. My nick name is Cenderella becuase im made to do many things aroung the house. I used to do every ones chores so that I could go out. Later my mom and dad broke up...with in the last two years....and I  had a very hard time becuase one would want me and the other wouldnt. I also had to do all the house work, for mom while she worked. IT was hard but i didnt mind becuase I didnt have to be around my father....a year (to the day) after the broke up they decided to get back together and I just couldnt handle it. I didnt want to live with my father...I've never liked him. When they got back together, I started ************ again....but I also did something more seirous....I got so depressed... I was constantly on the phone with those 24 hour help lines. I was a mess. My mom took me to the hospital and they told me I was fine...So I went to stay with my aunts to get a break from my family (didnt help much cuz they came and saw me every fricken day) but my doctor put me on this medicine...I dont recall what its called...but it made my depression worse...I cut one day to see what it was like....I loved it.....it was like an exhilerating high feeling...and I continued to do it...I had scares all over my legs some much deeper than others....but i had still done it. I've now been clean for 6 months.....


ldschick ldschick
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

Wow. I can tell that you definitely have been through a lot in your life. Please take care of yourself. Remember that you are in control of your future, and you control whether you let your experiences in your life bring you down or whether you triumph over them and move forward in a positive way. Wish you the best.