I am not sure if I am a closeted, non-transitioning transsexual or an autogynephile (which, if I understand the concept correctly is basically a man who gets sexually excited by the idea of becoming a woman).
I crossdressed ocassionally as a teen, but really haven't done it in since I am 19, maybe. My earliest sexual experiences were with pre-op and post-op TS prostitutes in my early 20s--before that I had never been with a woman of any kind. I am attracted to women primarily, but very often envision myself sexually as a woman with men as well as women in my fantasies--but I can't contemplate sexual activity with another man as long as I look like a man--in other words, I don;t see myself having gay male sex--not that there is anything wrong with that! If I had a female figure, then maybe--okay, probably! (Basically, as you can tell I am confused about my gender and sexuality)
I discussed this stuff online a lot with many TS and TG people in the mid-1990s when I first went on the internet via aol--that was my first "coming out" however anonymously. Then for a while I was just exclusively into reading (and ************ to TG fiction online at the Fictionmania website), you know, stories where "normal" dudes become chicks, either through magic or science fiction, they get kidnapped by some mad scientist who tries their secret sex change formula on them, or some witch or warlock transforms them, or they simply meet somebody who gives them a sex change operation---this was my outlet for a long time. Then I met a "regular" girl--a genetic female-- who I became romantically obsessed with, from about age 27 to 30 I hung around his woman constantly hoping for a romantic relationship, but it was an unrequited love--so I buried the TG desires stuff and only thought about being with her for several years but basically she only saw me as a friend (oldest story in the world)--when she rejected my overtures--believe it or not--the "male" part of me felt terrible and it was a huge blow to my masculine self-esteem, but I again buried myself in reading TG fiction and fantasizing about becoming female . Shortly after that, I ended up meeting a single mom, who I married. She was the first woman I had sex with without paying, TS or not. I married her in 2002, a year after 9/11 and helped raise her kids. When I was with her, I found that although I had occasional TG thoughts, I could suppress it most of the time. This past year, the marriage has ended (we are separated, not divorced) and I have moved back with my elderly parents, you know, the economy, marriage, etc...I have seen one particular post-op TS escort 4 times this year and basically told her what I am telling you now--the first time I went to her, she actually gave me one of her Premarin estrogen tabs and told me to swallow it, can you believe that?Then she told me she would suck all the remaining masculinity out of me before she went down on me. That was one of the best sexual experiences I ever had, let me tell you!
Now I am fantazing all the time that since she had the SRS--she needs a shemale partner--and she will help me transform into that. I actually said this to her as part of our session, and she acted like she was into the idea. Then she actually said if I was serious, she would help me to do it, and if I became passable and cute, she would partner with me...I thought that was the hottest idea ever. So I had a few sessions with this great escort where she play-acted that theme that she would transform me before she went down on me (or maybe she was half serious!) ...but each time after I came the whole idea disgusted me and it was like I returned to my masculine self. So I am not sure what I am, actually.