Stuck In The Middle With Me

So I'm not sure if many people think this way but I have too much respect for traditional and historical witchcraft to mock it with Wicca. I'm sure many people here are perfectly fine with Wicca and Neopaganism but I find it to be disrespectful to its origins.

I want to learn more traditional things but that's just not possible so I'm stuck in the middle. The reason I don't just practice Wicca is because it is too modern for me and I think more traditional witches might dislike it.

Some of my ideas and beliefs are quite witchy but I don't call myself a witch out of simple respect. The first I ever heard of witchcraft was a serendipitous accident that provided information on witchcraft but not Wicca. The authors of the two websites I accidently stumbled upon said that they were religous witches but they did not say what religions they followed.

For the life of me, I can not find those websites again because I only found them as a result of a search engine malfunction in the first place. I typed in one thing and the computer just took over and sent me there as if it had a mind of its own. When I type the exact same thing again, everything works properly and I don't see the websites.

When I think about it I wonder if I was led to those websites or set up. When I performed the search, they were the only websites so everything was focused on them. There was nothing else as if it was planned so that I would visit them. I know that sounds delusional so I try not to jump to that conclusion but I lean towards it. Those websites seemed to be written specifically for me. They spoke my language and used concepts I just came up with as a child. I had unusual ideas about invisible energies and I tried to create visual representations of that energy. The websites talked about a practice based on that same idea of metaphysical energy.

I realize my thought processes are kind of witchy but I'm not a witch. I don't call myself a witch because I have no access to information about what I'm interested in. The kind of witchcraft I read about on those websites is what I'm interested in because it matches me perfectly but I have very little to go by and I'm stuck in the middle. I can't find anything about what I read when I try to look it up. I only found the websites due to a malfunction that I can't repeat.

I can't find any information about what I'm looking for but I hope that another serendipitous incident will lead me to the information I'm looking for eventually. Until then, I refuse to practice Wicca because something else is on my mind that I just can't shake. It would probably be healthier for me to just give up and practice Wicca but I can't settle with that when I'm occupied by other ideas.
chrysalid chrysalid
18-21, F
Oct 10, 2011