Clarifying

I am looking back on my earlier post in this group and I realize I was using a defense mechanism to make an unsolvable problem seem solvable. I said my biggest obstacle was a lack of resources and sources of information but my biggest obstacle is one that has been bothering me for 14 years without being addressed.

It is truly an impossible obstacle and most people would give me the advice that if something can't work then just get over it.

I would tell those people that the obstacle is a cage and there is a rope tied to me pulling me towards the goal.

I can't just turn away even though it would save me a lifetime of futility. The rope is internal and it is the unstoppable force. The cage is the immovable object.


The group title is unclear. "I want to be a witch". I'll try and clarify.

What I mean is to feel the real atmosphere and not the constructed one. That is something I have mourned the inability to do since I first went to church. It's funny what I thought the purpose of church was. I thought it was an attempt to create an artificial atmosphere as substitution for the atmosphere that is missing. I felt very uncomfortable because they told me the place was holy to create a placebo and I wanted to feel that fact in other places without being told anything. I didn't want a placebo. I didn't want plastic food but the sad truth was that it was impossible for me. I just born with a hole inside me. I doubt the people I knew felt the same discomfort and I doubt witches feel the same discomfort. I have a phantom limb. My brain isn't wired that way. The absence of that thing is uncomfortable because it is imprinted in my mind that it is supposed to be there. My internal identity says I should but the reality is that I don't. That creates a dissonance that kills me. I tricked myself into thinking that it could be solved if I found more information from books in my mundane world and I decided to just wait until I was out on my own and I could order things without my parents thinking I was filling my head with garbage. I replaced the real problem with a less overwhelming problem.


When I say witch I really mean one who feels. I'm not talking about magick even though it can not be performed without a base. You know how children often have trouble distinguishing their imagination from reality? Well I actually thought I could feel and move this energy when really I was just visualizing a representation of it that is the same as that artificial atmosphere in the church. I thought that imagination was the same as  reality so I actually thought I could replace the energy I was unable to sense with imagined energy that was the same because to a child, imagination=reality.

In this way I did not fully understand that I was completely incapable. I became disappointed and I eventually came to the understanding that I was trying to substitute for something that I felt was missing.

I feel like a born amputee in that I feel the loss of my phantom limb even though it was never there. It actually makes me uncomfortable. The absence of sensation makes me feel like it's too quiet and dead. Everything's wrong.


That is what I meant. I was talking about the roots. I'm not talking about the trunk, branches, or leaves. Where does it start. If there are no roots there can be no tree.


Now the fact is that there are no roots but the map in my head clearly shows roots that are in reality, non-existant.


I eventually convinced myself that the real problem was that I had too little information to avoid coming across as some kind of cheap imitation. Sound familiar? I did the same thing with the books. I see the new age neopaganism as an insult that I didn't want to be because while that reason I came up with was true, it was not the main reason. It was a secondary reason that I used to cover up the main problem simply because a lack of information is easier to fix than what I really had to deal with.



In the past five years that problem has been proven on several occasions not to be the only problem nor the most significant. I already mentioned that when I was 13, about five years ago, my computer decided it was going to disobey me. I did not search for anything on the subject but it malfunctioned and showed me on the list of search results two websites about witchcraft. It was so bizarre I seriously thought somebody was leading me. The word I would use today is "teasing". I would not say leading anymore because that moment gave me some hope that only brought the dissonance closer to the surface. It teased me. It made the internal discomfort even worse because now it was once again at the forefront of my mind. It was a cruel reminder. That moment also proved that I am doomed to a lifetime of such dissonance because the false problem I used to replace the real problem was broken down. I eventually met a woman named Elizabeth and found more information that made the "false problem" disappear leaving the real problem in the light.

The scapegoat that I stil held onto just a few months ago when I posted here was starting to crumble. Now it has completely faded leaving me in despair. Now I am faced with the futility of it all.

You can't replace an amputated limb. Even prosthetics don't feel right and I am uncomfortable about using them because I know I would be trying to trick my brain into thinking that the missing piece was in place. That would be self deception and I admit I have used it to a fault at times. I have even made myself smell things through what I assume is similar to hypnosis just to trick myself into thinking I am smelling something in the atmosphere and that there was hope. It was a coping mechanism.

I've come to the realization that there is little that can be done. If nothing comes then nothing will come. It's not like that eases the discomfort. It actually makes me despair because I still can't turn away no matter what. The rope still pulls but the cage still exists.


I wouldn't say I want to be a witch. I would say I yearn to be a witch because that sounds more urgent and it illustrates the need to feel comfortable.

It doesn't illustrate the identity crisis that is entrenched in my mind so it would be even more accurate to say "I yearn to be myself because I am trapped in the wrong life". That is true in so many ways that I really wonder if something got mixed up somewhere. Not only is it true in the sense that I have explained but it is also true gender-wise and attribute-wise.

Therefore, when I say I want to be a witch it is not as superficial as that statement sounds but it is equally hopeless. I just wanted to clarify since my last post in this group.
chrysalid chrysalid
18-21, F
Mar 13, 2012