Socially Awkard

Hello,

In the moment our eyes met, the expression on your face displayed much disapproval. And in that instance, a memory from the past was reborn, a reminder of the times rejection was more of my place than not. Insecurities crawled into my mind, a feeling of being out of place, and once again, not feeling good enough resurfaced. My mind pollutes with demons of the past, a place I seem to hold onto, and can not escape. Sometimes, I feel like this will forever haunt me, and the only solution is to run from the ones who hurt me and the ones I have harmed with my own words/actions.

I often find myself very uncomfortable in most group or social situations. My mind will go onto active overload trying to think of how to find approval from others. I even prevent myself from trying to look attractive, since I always assume others would look down on me for 'appearing to try so hard.' My questions and interactions amongst a group in a social setting are often strange and awkward. I often tend to shut down without trying. I despise being something I'm not, and I probably look at the emotions/expressions of others or their lack of interaction as a negative reflection on me, and inside, I'm constantly shouting at myself within "That person looks down on you, dislikes you/what you're doing, thinks you're strange." This in turn, allows me to usually sit, observe and listen to the words of others, and be a bystander or look for ways to isolate myself.

Most often, I'm misunderstood, yet the thing I've longed for is acceptance, and for others to see the depthness of innermost core as a person - my genuine kindness as a person. I'm a continual work in progress, but have a lot to improve on.
Belinda Belinda
31-35, F
Jan 11, 2013