Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Honey, life is too short. You're lucky to have a daughter. Live for your child..wanting to change your sexx can be selfish. Why do we have to change our sex to feel comfortable? Jus be sexxy and enjoy life.lol

I am sorry. If you have to ask why then you don not and can not understand the pain and torment "Transsexuals" go through every day of their lives.

Honey don't cause drama...be a girl if it makes you feel better, don't ask people to accept you, because its you who don't love yourself. I'm the same way as you. I don't consider myself a male or female. Its only clothes....

Your comments are more of a gay or transgender point of view, I am sorry but for a transsexual like me it is a constant struggle having body parts that are not truly mine. We have deep desires that tell us who wrong our bodies are and these things cant be ignored.

For the last 22 + years I have been depressed and tortured by the fact my family would not understand. I lived the way others told me to live, did what I was told I was supposed to do. It was not fun and it was not easy, it was total hell. Now I am on my journey nearly seven months and for the first time in my life I am happy, living my life as me, my body changing everyday. I do not worry how to act or who people perceive me like I did before.

I have a few things I have to work on, my voice, my face, and my SRS and these are not just wants for me, these are needs that are compulsory. I have to do them for my piece of mind and it may sound selfish to you but again you do not and can not understand what it is to be "Transsexual".

The sad part, I know what's it like. My girlfriend is a TS. If I didn't met her...I'll probably be where you at...she save me for making decisions that can cause me for going crazy or dying. I'm sorry God created me to be sexxy despite surgeries. I hope you find yourself and that you don't turn your back on others like yourself. STOP CALLING PEOPLE GAY...you're not striaght. I'm going to leave you alone. We don't see things the same way. Good Luck.lol

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