I shouted at my parents. I feel like I was a Monster. I feel extremely bad about it and it is not that first time. I want to stop it. I want to be affectionate and talk to my parents with love.
I am single man earning relatively well enough that puts me in upper middle class. I am normally pleasant man lately I have been losing friends, I have been single for too long (3.5 years). Career and family problems keeps me busy from spending enough time find the right girl to live with. I am also particularly choosy.
My parents came from relatively not affluent family. They had their hard working days and life with tight budget and now they are retired. Both my mom and Papa sacrificed lot of me and my siblings. They educated us, gave us life and discipline in several aspect. I respect and love every bit of them.
They are aging parents and concerned about my life as I am their only kid who is single.
But I have complain as they often do not listen to me with simple things like what would be helpful for them or good for them. They both often try to save every penny, I tell them not to strain themselves and have good food and vacation not to worry about the cost, as I am earning more than enough.
In this context, I have a feeling they don’t accept or take serious any of my proposals. For example, My mom has lot of dreams about traveling. But they don’t travel now because I am still single. And they put priority of their worry about me being single and try to fix me up is first priority than taking a week or 2 weeks short trip to somewhere.
When I try to explain or these matters often the discussion was tough and challenging.
And once again I shouted at them, it has happened often lately. This breaks me down. And I couldn’t sleep at night of the days I argue with them. With 4 or less hours of sleep, I couldn’t be attentive at work. I work as a leader/manager.
I have never been such an angry monster but now I am afraid of myself. When I am angry and shouting, it looks nothing seem to stop me. I shout for anything and everything. I feel helpless about it but I want to stop it. Sometimes I think I trigger them because I am behaving like a child and making all these drama for acceptance from my parents.
And the thought that I write this to gain your (whomever reading this) sympathy as well. I want my life back. Clear mind filled with love and calmness. I am afraid I turned into demon.
I feel that my parents, my job and my personal life are standing at every corner of a large triangle and I am running between those to please each corner. I am not sure what can I do to better bring this all closer.
I am afraid, If I shout like this to my parents, I might shout in future to my girl or wife and my kids. That would not be good for either me or them.
Or is my ego too big? Or do I have a personality disorder? Or am I already screwed in my mind? By some means? Or am I Just paranoid.
If you read this whatever you think would help me improve to a better person please write to me.

My work demands me to be sharp and active and guiding people this is not effective with these increasingly sleepless nights. I tried alcohol to fall asleep but I realized it could be worse to get addicted to it. So I stopped it, at least don’t use as sleeping agent.
Rajito Rajito
36-40, M
Aug 21, 2014