Betrayed

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 5 years. 5 months again I found out about an affair he was having. It lasted for 5 months. Since then I am completely disconnected from him, and I find myself wanting to meet someone and cheat with them. I've never been unfaithful , I don't know how it would affect me if I was to cheat.
Liz0143 Liz0143
31-35, F
11 Responses Dec 10, 2012

well...you can cheat and rot your self worth...or you can do what needs to be done and leave him. if your disconnected and there is no love there...why are you there? you think cheating is gonna make you feel better...yea it will right up until the ****** stops...then your gonna feel used and cheap...oh...and um by the way...if you think the guy that your gonna cheat with is Mr. Right an the one you wanna be with please remember this...if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. simple as that. disconnected...no love...time for court and divorce not cheating.

Haha, you are in control. If you chose to cheat you could have 10 men faster than he could have one.
He was hiding but you should take pictures and don't hide but show him . Say to him hey you cheated for 5 months and that meant a lot of sex without me. So here I had sex with ten men but baby I am not hiding like you did. Here is the pictures.
Then ask him how he feels and watch his face drop. Then ask okay so I don't trust you and you don't trust me. Now would you like to fix this broken marriage or should we walk?
Both of you got pain but now you know he will feel how you felt.
Oh and make sure to say you cheat again then I go for 20 men.
Haha.

I want to ask you a question : do you choose to stay with him for three good things you had? Or leave him for the mistake he did? Show strongest, don't blame, be better than him, dont shut the fire by adding gas ? It's true he cheated and no one gives excuses for any man to cheat on his wife no matter what, just can down and show him you better than him, you not just trying keep him, you trying keep a whole relation ship that lasted long, be more than what you was before, he ll cry his butt for what he did,a man never forget a woman who forgives him and be there for him.. Am telling you that because of the girl I still love , that she cheated on Mme and got married come back to me, I can't say no to her, all memories, all souvenirs, everything, will go just like that, life is not perfect, so your husband too, so please calm down, your a good woman don't revenge back,

I have been on both sides of this coin. I cheated on my wife, she cheated to get even. It has certainly had more of an adverse effect on her. There is no way to sugar coat cheating to get even, it is done to hurt someone. Your husbands screw up might have been something he just fell into. After my wife and I were married about 15 years, she just decided she wasn't interested in anything that I liked. We were married and I should just get over it. Lingerie went out and flannel PJ's came in. She decided that we should act our age and watch sit-coms on the couch till we were ready to kick the bucket. It wasn't something we could talk about, if I tried to talk to her about our relationship, she would tell me I was crazy, she would explain how she bent over backwards to keep me happy, and, this is the way it is....get used to it. So, when a co-worker started paying attention to me, it wasn't long before she figured out what got me going. When the wife found out, she didn't care that she wasn't interested in keeping me going at home, all she cared about was telling me how wrong I was about everything. She cheated to get even. I will never feel the same about her, no matter what she does or doesn't do. She still isn't too interested in my happiness, I feel like a handyman who gets to have sex once in a while more than a husband. But once again, knowing that she did that to hurt me, fundamentally changed the way I feel about her and it is pretty much irreparable. SO my advice would be to cool down, don't do anything to get even. Give it some time, think about what you can do to keep him from doing it again if you want to save it. Good luck.

my question to you is why are you still there? seems long past time to go.

GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!!!! He broke the covenant . You'll never trust him again and you'll always be paranoid . Get out and find a way to be happy loving yourself w/o him. I'm working on that skill now.

Liz0143, we all hope that this discussion is helping you in some small way. Charlottesbed's comment "since you feel so betrayed, if you had an affair, it would hurt your basic down deep loyalty, which is a precious and good character trait" really hits home. Its a very insight-full remark.

Our thoughts are with you.

Sorry to hear of your feelings of betrayal! I hope you get it all sorted out in a way that benefits you! Although I have thought of having an affair, it's for different reasons than you, so I don't feel like I can advise you. Good luck!!!

Your feelings are totally normal (I've been there.) and what some of these others say about getting help is right on the mark. My guess though, is that since you feel so betrayed, if you had an affair, it would hurt your basic down deep loyalty, which is a precious and good character trait, more than him. So the revenge might be sweet for a short while, it would leave you with more hurt to sort through in the long run. My heart goes out to you.

"Since then I am completely disconnected from him" - this is a totally-normal reaction. You may find professional counselling helpful, either just you, or couples counselling.

I've been in therapy for myself, and we recently started couples therapy. I just find myself feeling very angry and betrayed. I'm no longer in love with him and I miss the intimacy .

love isnt something that comes and goes...when it's gone...its gone and something may remain that has some of the embers left from the flame that was once there but it will never be the same...couples therapy is useless in the absence of love. without trust, and love there is nothing to build on. spend the therapy money on a good divorce lawyer. if you had even said i love him but...my advice would be different. you said your no longer in love...that says it all...its done. treat it like it's done while your still relatively young and find the one you do love.

Don't expect those feelings to go away anytime soon, if ever. They may not disappear all at the same time. My wife seems to have dealt better with the intimacy thing, but less-well with the betrayal.

On another note - those who snoop need to realize up front that they may not like what they find out by snooping. I discovered my wife had an affair as revenge, but I didn't confront her, it would just compound our problems. I do know that she is really annoyed with him.

Oh, and my first wife was unfaithful to me, with a woman, and that was YEARS after I ended my affair with her GF

Considering your experience you probably will dislike me when you hear this but I have had 6 lovers during 2 marriages. Revenge sex may not work, be sure what your motive is. Believe me, telling all is not curative. You are best-off keeping your secret. There is a saying, "Revenge is a dish best eaten cold'. Take your secrets to the grave.

The more I dig into infidelity, I discover that more women are having their needs met outside of their marriage. This is why I consider being unfaithful .

yes, I believe the same, that is part of what makes it so easy to find a partner, altho its much easier for women to attract men than it is for us guys to attract women. I think a lot of women are questioning the need to marry; they see a point to multiple partners (serially) and not getting attached too much to any one particular man

5 have been just totally p*ssed-off with their partners. They went looking on-line and found me. An affair that lasts more than 5 dates is a success story in many offenders' eyes

Don't expect to have it make you feel better.

You have a point. I' m sure I would feel worse.