Bang Bang

Don't know when or how but I will check out early... And yes, by check out I mean die. I'm not afraid of death, dying, leaving it all. I address it so openly because it's ok to me. I am bipolar, I suffer daily with this and I know that I can only hold out for so long before I give up. I'm strong, on some days, but some days you can't be strong enough. There comes a time when fighting is too much, when life wins... tired of flying and falling, tired of not being able to stop crying, tired of pretending that it's all ok. It's hard, so many don't understand, how do you explain crazy? I live with it though and I shall die with it... my way. I'll know when the time is right and then I will win, on my terms. Until then I don't fight as much anymore, I let it run it's course, it is stronger and it will win and I'm ok with that... I'm ok with death...


**Addition to the panic stricken...

Today I'm ok, right now... as long as I can talk about it I'm good. I need to know it's an option, that I can leave if I so choose. Like going to a party you really don't want to go to, you have the car keys and you can leave when you choose. It becomes bearable then. If your there without an escape the party drags on forever and ever and you only become more miserable. I can go when I want and right now I choose to stay... but the option is there and I'm better because of it....


**If you choose to comment GREAT but if not PLEASE do not send me mean emails... when someone is on the wall you aren't supposed to push. If this is too much for you or you can't be constructive with your remarks just go...  This is my release, my therapy, my ride... either keep your arms and hands inside the car and hold on or get the hell off. :P



mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
4 Responses Jul 9, 2007

I hope there will always be someone to say what you need to hear. We're soldiers in a fox hole we face the same enemy. So many of us have to ride that roller coaster and it's nothing nice, but as far as possible, I've got your back, and I'm sure a lot of others do to. often as possible..on multiple levelz. whoah slow down...ok "glad I can help when I can."


You realize ur in control and that's the top be stubborn is power and to realize you've gone as far as you bad as you have...and outdriven lifes vindictive ways....could be your drive to succeed and win your way as well.